How to write Fanfiction
by BLSUGS30
Summary: Jiraiya smuggles in 5 laptops into Konoha, and the entire cast of Naruto writes fanfiction. And they write comments for each other. Entirely fluff and humor.Some romances. Some scary lemons. Enjoy.
1. Jiraiya starts a fad

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**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 1: Jiraiya starts a fad **

**--**

It was a fine day indeed, with the cool autumn wind blazing through Konoha's streets when a grinning Jiraiya set the five laptops on top of Tsunade's desk with a huge 'clunk'.

The Godaime frowned, a breadstick sticking out jauntily from her sensual mouth. It moved up and down accordingly to her chewing. Her tone was very much 'don't fuck with me'.

"What the hell is this? Are you trying to dump garbage without recycling again? "

To which, Jiraiya piped up indignantly:

"Well, that was just one tim…Hmm. Hm. Actually, that doesn't matter. Now, behold the magic machines that would enable all of Konoha to communicate efficiently, and with speed! "

He gesticulated wildly, ready for an explosive reaction.

"Huh. Why do we need that? "

Tsunade asked indifferently, still chewing on the breadstick like a cow chews its cud. Jiraiya sighed.

"…Fine, it's just for shits and giggles. 'But', you'd be able to monitor these beauties, 24/7… wouldn't you like to spy on the personal thoughts of your villagers? "

Tsunade rose up in fury:

"Why, Jiraiya, I would never!! "

As she said so, she kicked a chair towards the entrance door, so that it sufficiently blocked whoever was trying to get in. As soon as that deed was done, she smiled engagingly.

"Where do we set these up? "

From just out the windows, Hatake Kakashi let out a small sigh while closing the latest edition of the Icha Icha series… thinking:

'There goes her last scrap of dignity. '

--

(later that day; Konoha recreation hall, 2pm)

"Eh? What's this? "

Naruto prodded the still machines with a kunai, even pushing his face up against the sides to sniff the device.

"Is it edible? "

Choki sidled up next to him, leaving from the game he, Shikamaru and Kiba had been playing on the hall's ping-pong table. He had been the referee.

"Oi you guys, what's going on there? "

Shikamaru approached the five laptops with Kiba in tow, who eyed the rectangular appliances in disdain.

"Whazzit? They moved the Pacman machine and got this instead? Waste of money I tellsya. "

Jiraiya suddenly popped out of nowhere to explain:

"It's a laptop! It's what made my bestsellers, the Icha Icha series, actually come to life! …Did you know: it was originally an internet based project? "

The four boys were very much stunned, and unfortunately, not interested.

"…we're not perverts like Kakashi sensei! Besides, what 'can' you do on a laptop? "

"Write fanfiction of course! Like I did! It'll make you 'famous'. "

"Famous?! "

Naruto's eyes suddenly lit up and Shikamaru groaned.

"How troublesome…don't fall for it, Naruto. "

Jiraiya intervened:

"Well, Shikamaru, what about this? By using this machine, you can contact anyone from anywhere… without having to go! Solves many troublesome things, doesn't it? "

Shikamaru maintained his deadpan look, but was secretly intrigued.

"And Choji? If you write a story on fanfcition and it gets famous… one day, you might get it published offline… like me! And you can buy food with the money you made! "

"Alright! "

Kiba was still stubbornly skeptical about this whole fanficiton business. Jiraiya knew the right thing to say:

"Don't you want to write about how… you brought up Akamaru? A doggy diary? Woof Woof?"

Kiba blushed up from head to toe.

"Shut up..."

Case settled.

--

(later in the rec hall)

"I'm going to write… a story about a 'hero', an optimistic cheerful ramen-loving boy with a painful and troubled past with no one by his side… a bit of a goofball, maybe a pervert, but not evil… Then! Then, he suddenly becomes a hero and marries a pretty girl who he had a crush on for ages. "

Naruto had his eyes closed and arms stretched in a holy manner to the ceiling by the end of his description.

Shikamaru listened in a bored indifferent manner, then commented absent-mindedly:

"Somehow, sounds like you. "

Naruto grinned.

"Except that ending part, I ain't so sure about that. "

Kiba piped up, adding to Shika's comment.

"What's wrong about the ending?! It's perfect!"

"I just don't like the…uh…nuance. "

Kiba knew, if he got into it, he'd never be able to get out the 'that' argument. Naruto, still frowning, asked Shikamaru:

"Oi, what are 'you' going to write? "

He did not even bother to think.

"…all the things I find troublesome. "

Kiba sympathetically laid a hand on Shika's shoulders.

"I'm afraid, that's in itself going to be troublesome, mate. "

Shikamaru shrugged.

Naruto, who was about to type his first words onto the screen, rose up in epiphany.

"Hey wait, before we write, don't you think we should call up other people as well? I mean like… we need to 'share' this experience, this is sort of cool… just like ol' pervy hermit said! "

Jiraiya piped up again:

"It's Jiraiya!! You little punks! "

"Jesus fuck! We thought you left! "

--

(Monitor room, 4pm)

Tsunade peered into the screen in surprise.

The rec hall was 'filled', literally 'filled' with people…

And she was dismayed to discover:

"Itachi? Pain? What the fuck, what are they doing there?! It's the Akatsuki!! Shizune, hurry! Go call up Asuma! Gai! Anyone! "

"um..."

Shizune looked slightly embarassed about something.

"Maybe that's not necessary, Tsunade sama. I think they also want to have a go with the fanfiction thing… well, seeing that there's only 5 laptops in all of our universe. "

Shizune pointed out philosophically…not.

Tsunade grunted.

"Well I ain't so happy about havin…Asuma?! Might Gai!? What are they doing there? I thought they were on missions! "

Shizune smiled politely, small sweat drops beading her forehead.

"Well you see, no one needs to go on missions anymore because all the important guys are lined up for that rec hall's laptop… Oh, yes. See? Over there, I even spot the Kazekake. And there's Orochimaru and Sasuke. "

The Godaime's mouth dropped open.

"So Tsunade sama, just lay back and enjoy the show! "

--

(Konoha recreation hall, 5pm)

By this time, the rec hall was crammed full with people. Like sardines in a can.

"Aha! I see you, Kakashi, frowning… which means, you're not sure about what to write? Well, I, Might Gai, already a have a great intricate fabulous elegant plot in mind! Should it be another victory for me? Should we have a, ah, brilliant idea, STORY BATTLE?! "

"Shut up over there! "

A cranky looking Hidan prodded Gai with his scythe, peeved by the fact that he had to wait his turn. Itachi was elegantly turning the pages of a book named: How to write fanfiction, by Jiraiya the great.

Kakashi, saved by the distraction, pushed through the throngs of people for escape, only to find a very amorous Anko pushing up against his groin, eating a candy apple.

"Would you like to be in my lemon, Kakashi? "

"Ah, well…"

Oh dilemma.

In the far corner of the room, Hinata was having troubles of her own.

Temari,Tenten and Ino stood in front of her, quizzically waiting for their friend to come out with what she was going to write. But they couldn't make out what she was saying, for her stuttering prevented her from coming out with it.

"I…I want to write…a l…lo…lo…"

"Love story? "

Ino inquired.

"Lo…logical story consisted of math, science and pure fact. "

Tenten and Temari's eyes widened, and Hinata blushed.

That's not what she meant to say. But now that she'd said it, she'd have to write it.

"What would you write Sai? "

Ino swerved her curvy form seductively to the pale raven boy that was seated next to her, staring dully into the screen.

She had already decided on what to write: a story about a blonde florist with attitude and a raven artist with falling in love…then making out under the moon in a deserted temple type building. Yep. Tres romantic, at least in her views.

Sai thoughtfully contemplated.

"I would like to do… "

"Yes? Do continue, I'm totally like, so curious. "

Ino implored, her eyes sparkling, eyelashes batting.

"…a picture book. "

A short moment of silence ensued. Sai had never looked ever so unknowing, naive.

Ino sighed. She will forgive, out of the power of love.

"…Sai."

"With lots of animals and the sky…oh yes, the sea. I would like that very much. "

He sounded very 'oh so Dr. Seuss'.

"…Sai. "

"Yes? "

"You do realize, is for writing, not…drawing. "

He thought.

"In that case… I would like to elaborate on the daily routine of my life. "

Ino perked up instantly. Daily routine of his life 'had' to include a shower scene, right? Now that was something worthwhile to read, even though the last book she read was….grudgingly, Cat in the Hat, by yours truly, Dr. Seuss.

"Ooh, and what should that be? "

"I wake, then I eat a breakfast consisted of chocoball cereal and chocolate milk. "

"…yes? "

It wasn't a great beginning, but it could develop. There are many fantastic fanfictions that start bad but end well.

Well. Sometimes there were.

"I wash, then I paint. Then I train. Then I eat. "

"…Sai. "

"Then I train. Then I draw. Then I sleep. "

"…Sai. "

"Yes? "

Ino bit her lips, pained by the fact that she'd have to say:

"Please do a one-shot, I'm afraid that isn't going to get you much reviews. "

"Oh? "

Cut.

Moving further into the room, spotted: Haruno Sakura talking to Kabuto"

"I will write… a lemon.(girlish giggle) "

She was eyeing Sasuke who was standing only a few steps away, who looked a bit confused.

Kabuto, not really 'getting' what a lemon was, instead decided to elaborate on what he was going to write.

"Medical journal… about…how to come back to life…"

"I'm afraid that's already taken. Frankenstein, anyone? "

Orochimaru pointed out.

"You're not witty. "

Kabuto glared.

Orochimaru shugged, as he announced to the whole room.

"I will write… a lemon. Ssss."

"Oh jesus, not him too."

Neji stuck out his tongue in a grimace.

"Don't steal my idea, you old man! "

Sakura pouted. Jiraiya poked his head in, wearing a smug face as if to imply, 'I was the original lemon writer, beat that', but no one paid attention to him. Because :

Orochimaru continued...

"About me and…"

Here, he shot a look at the stricken Uchiha Sasuke, hissing in a serpentine way.

"Come on lover boiii sssss. "

"Jesus fucking Christ. "

Jiraiya decided to stop the commotion.

"Alright you people, enough! Five people should have a go first, and produce something good! Or else I'll never smuggle in laptops again! "

--

(bloodiedsug's words on

Next entry: Want to read what they wrote?

Who should write first? And is Sai really going to do something that boring? And what about Orochimaru's scary lemon?... Lol.

This is just for fun. No plot, and doesn't matter if any of the characters are dead in the real Naruto.

PS: by writing stories, they are already by themselves, creating fanficiton, because they are the cast of Naruto. Lol. That's how I look at it anyhow.

bear with me)


	2. Account names?

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**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 2: Account names? **

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"Oi before you start, you know you guys all have to make an account… don't you? "

"Eh? "

"Accounts. You need one to start writing on FF, so start thinking! "

--

**(enter account names…)**

**--**

**DaHokake: (Naruto) **

(Kiba: Da hokake? Man, you got your dream in a nutshell...

Naruto: You think I should have gone with Ramen:boy?

Sasuke: You'd destroy our village in two seconds flat, dobe. )

**KillBBro: (Sasuke)**

(Itachi: I believe I'm right here Sasuke.

Sasuke: Precisely. )

**PinkCutezBlossom (sakura)**

(Ino: I'm afraid I'm the flower of konoha, dear naive Sakura.

Sakura: Piss off. Sasuke's mine, haha. So there.

Ino: Uh, not? And besides, I have Sai. So there.

Shikamaru: Real mature guys… real mature.)

**Ichamylife (Kakashi)**

(Jiraiya: Ah… my biggest fan.

Kakashi: Forever in your debt.

Sakura: Kakashi sensei, you perv! )

**LavenderBluez: (Hinata) **

(Neji: Hinata, what's this talk about being full of frightening incest stories of you and me? Come to think of it, even the author of this crazy story wrote one.

Hinata: ?! )

**BetterThanKakashi (might gai)**

(Kakashi: Really, Gai. I'd prefer my name off your account name…

Gai: Aha! Scared of being exposed for what you are?! Could that be it?!

Kakashi: Forget I mentioned anything…)

**PersevereX100(lee) **

(Gai: Perservere, and you will beat Neji one day…

Lee: I agree with you sensei!! You are better than anyone in this town!! I love you! In…in a father-sonly way…it's an honor to have my account name right under yours!!

Tenten: You guys are made for each other, I swear. )

**ComeToPapa (jiraiya) **

(Tenten: Ew…

Naruto: Pervert hermit, hahaha, come to papa, ahhh hahaha

Tsunade: It suits you. )

**FoodGloriousFood (choji) **

(Shikamaru: ….uh, Choji. …nevermind.

Choji: What?

Ino: It's so you. I mean, it's so you. )

**IceflowerIno(ino)**

(Sakura: That flower theme is sooo lost on you.

Ino: Hello? I'm the florist in town?

Sakura: Assistant florist… must I say, ASSistant!! )

**Troublesome: (Shikamaru)**

(Choji: I thought you were going to do PineappleHeadNara.

Shikamaru: Too long. Very troublesome to write.

Kiba: They should've named you Nara Troublesome, mate.

Shikamaru: That's longer than Shikamaru. Troublesome.

kiba: I rest my case. )

**WindFanTem(Temari)**

(Shikamaru: How troublesome.

Temari: Oh shut up, I'll whip your ass with my fan every time you say that.

Shikmaru: huh.

Choji: You might end up like your dad Shika, haha. )

**DangoAnko(Anko)**

(Kakashi: You enjoy your sweets.

Anko: Yep, especially with you!

Kakashi:…ah. )

**Inustyle: (kiba)**

(Jiraiya: Hmm, did you know, that your account name is actually quite… meaningful?

Kiba: …oh, you again. And…why is that?

Jiraiya: If I should elaborate, doggie-style can also mean a position for sexu…

Kiba: Out! Ouuut! I can't have polluting Aka-chan's ears with,.. blasphemy! )

**Sandbox(gaara)**

(Kankuro: Well, cutesy name, lil bro. That was unexpected.

Gaara: I have 7000 people buried under it.

Kankuro:…ah. Got your point. )

**SnakeyEmoMan (orochi)**

(Orochimaru: SSsssssasuke.

Sasuke: Jesus fucking Christ. )

**ISeeThroughClothes:(Neji)**

(Naruto: Woah… didn't expect that from you.

Lee: I can too!! Better than you!!

Hinata: N...Neji ni-san...

Neji: … Hanabi's been messing with the laptop. I swear! )

**Akachan: (akamaru)**

(Shino: Did you just make an account for akamaru…Kiba?

Kiba: W…well, Aka-chan deserves…an account. Shut up.

Shikamaru: Hey, that's cute. I mean it.

Kiba: I…I said shut up!! )

**HaremKonoha: (konohamaru) **

(Naruto: Hey!! Great naming sense!

Konohamaru: I did it for you! But Jii-chan didn't like it.

Naruto: I wonder why…maybe because that one time, I made him bleed in the nose with my ultra special harem att…

Third Hokake: Naruto. I'm alive.

Naruto: Sayonara!)

**Iruka (iruka)**

(Naruto: Oi, sensei, no imagination?

Iruka: …uh well. Hmm. )

**ArtisticAtomicBomb(Deidara)**

(Tobi: What about… EatingHands? KaBoom?

Deidara: you got no taste, Tobi.

Tobi: ThreeTongues? Blondie? ArtFreak?

Deidara: Tobi...)

**DoubleTchan: TenTen**

(Gai: Why not weapon master?

Tenten: I'm a chick, sensei. Everyone's going to mistake me for a guy if I name myself weapon master.

Ino: Huh, what about I-got-the-hots-for-Hinata's-cousin-bro?

Tenten: …I'd rather go with the weapon master. Now, if you'd please. )

**Bugzlife: (shino)**

(Kiba: hahahahahahahahahaha

Shino:…what's so funny? )

GimmeYourEyes(Itachi)

(Sasuke: You ass.

Itachi: Hello, my eyes.

Sasuke: I'm going to kill you.

Itachi: Hello, my eyes.

Sasuke: Bah.. he doesn't get it. )

**9livesMinus3: (pain)**

(Jiraiya: Indeed…

Pain: You sound bitter old man. )

**MarionettteBoiz(sasori) **

(Kankuro: Man, I thought you were going to look like some crazy old bat… like granny chiyo.

Sasori: You, my friend, are sadly mistaken. Ka-ching. )

**AngryBlueFish(kisame)**

(Itachi: I thought you were going to use Shark'sTale.

Kisame: Too Disney for my taste. )

PaperFlower(konan)

OhSoEvilSkeleton(Hidan)

...

(bloodiedsugs's words on HTWFF-

...more coming later. )


	3. Holy Tsunade, 56?

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**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 3: Holy Tsunade, 56? **

**--**

Jiraiya opened up his own laptop back in his hotel, rubbing his hands delightfully as he saw the new lists of fanfics in the Konoha folder that had gone up since last night.

'Let's see who's outdone him/herself…'

click.

--

1. **How I became the Hokake** by **DaHokake** reviews

It is ten years later, and Konoha has the best Hokake ever!

Fiction rated: K –English- Adventure/Fantasy –Chapters 1- Words: 76 Reviews: 7

2. **How to kill an Itachi** by **KillBBro** reviews

The most painful way possible.

Fiction rated: M –English- Horror/Humor –Chapters 1- Words: 104 Reviews: 8

3. **101 Delicious Meals of Konoha** by **FoodGloriousFood** reviews

Everything gourmet, by yours truly, the expert.

Fiction Rated: K –English- General/Romance –Chapters 2- Words: 760 Reviews: 4

...

..

.

--

"Hmm…"

Jiraiya scrolled down to the last story that had been submitted. And gaped at the page, stunned into silence.

"Holy Tsunade! 56? 56 in one day? …they really did like the whole idea, didn't they? "

He congratulated himself on this marvelous idea, anticipating all the fun he would have reading the either good or crappy fanfics.

He'd have to decide.

"Huh…"

Skimming, Jiraiya clicked on the first fanfiction that had been submitted by the Konoha folder: Naruto's story.

Enter: How I became the Hokake.

--

**Chaptor Won: Hokake **by DaHokake

The boi waz very very gud looking and powerfull. Butt he waz missunderstood. Ordinary people cud not understand him. Even the gurl he likd didn't want too mary him. So he wurked hard for many dayz, training too get a new tekniq calld Razengan. Wid da Razengan, he beet Kakasi sensei, a dobe calld Saske, and Orokimaroo. The peeple of Konoha praized him for beeng so strong, and made him a Hokake.

And he had three wivez.

Da end.

**Reviews: **

KillBBro: I think the only spelling you got right up there is Hokage, dobe.

LavenderBluez: I…it's very good Naruto! I…I put it on my favorite story…

HaremKonoha: Can I be a Hokage too if I get Rasengan?!

InuStyle: Dang right, I see why it's a fantasy!

PinkCutezBlossom: Jesus Naruto, three wives? What is this, a harem?

IchaMyLife: I believe my name is spelt Kakashi, Naruto. But good try.

ISeeThroughClothes: Wait, it's chapter one and it's already over.

--

Jiraiya chortled, deciding to add a review for his beloved(?) protégé.

ComeToPaPa: Trust me, Naruto. If only mastering the Rasengan would get me wives, I'd have four thousand by now.

Still chortling, Jiriaya moved onto the second fanfiction that had been uploaded.

These guys were fast indeed. And enthusiastic too.

Enter: How to kill an Itachi

--

**Chapter one: How to kill an Itachi #110 **by KillBBro

1.Drive a screwdriver through his ears.

2.Get Orochimaru to rape him. He'll die of shame.

3.Take the blue fish guy's huge sword and slice him into 18 pieces.

4.Get Kishimoto to erase him off the manga by getting murdered by me.

5.Take some cyanide and make him snort it.

6.Roll up some toxic weed thing and tell him it's weed. He'll smoke it.

7.Put a chidori through his eyes

8.Smash his head in with a ping pong bat.

9.Get Tobi to sing to him incessantly. He will eventually commit suicide.

10.Fan him to death.

**Reviews: **

GimmeYourEyes: Gimme your eyes.

PinkCutezBlossom: It's so original! You're such a good suspense writer!

IceflowerIno: Butt out, Forehead! You write horror so well Sasuke kun!

AngryBlueFish: The name's Kisame. I know I should have used Shark'sTale now…

Bugzlife: Who's Kishimoto?

DaHokake: Your story has no drama! Mine has drama!

SnakeyEmoMan: I declare, I like number 2. Ssssss.

Anoyamous: I believe I'm in your story. Hi, I'm Tobi.

--

Jiraiya chortled through the story, deciding the whole smuggling laptops deal was a good one indeed. He was pleased with himself for having thought up such a good idea… Tsunade was probably also pissing herself laughing back at her office, at all the crazy thing Konoha's residents, and Not-Konoha people had written. They were all a bit kooky in a way, weren't they?

Anyways, thinking 56 was too much to read all at once, he decided to check out one more story before hitting off to bed…

"Let's see… the last submission, why not? "

He scrolled down to the last story and found:

--

56. **My improvement log** by **Sandbox **reviews

My thoughts.

Fiction rated: M –English- Angst/Hurt/Comfort Words: 145 Reviews: 5

--

"This ought to be interesting. "

It was written by the kazekage himself for kami's sake.

Enter: My improvement log

--

**Day one** by Sandbox

I killed only two people today. Temari congratulated me, and told me I was getting better. Kankuro congratulated me too, but I saw him secretly moving his bed again to the far side of the house, away from my bedroom, even though the sandstorm is at the peak there.

I think he saw what I did to those two guys. I didn't mean to exactly. It's quite interesting actually. It's a new technique called sandbox. I developed it myself. The good thing about it, is that the sandbox is quite small, just like a playground's sandbox, and it only fits about three people at one go. Five if I'm pushing it. So this way, I can decrease the number of people I kill everyday. So far, I've reduced the killing rate by thrice as less as before.

I'm glad of it.

**Reviews: **

IceFlowerIno: Wow, it's an imaginative diary Gaara! Good work! You really got me frightened there!

WindFanTem: It ain't imagination, trust me.

PerservereX100: I see! So you train too! I will beat you one day, I swear by the name of the great Gai sensei!

ArtisticAtomicBomb: Hell, you got some issues, man.

DaHokake: I improved lots too! Yeah, improvement-buddy!

--

Jiraiya decided he wasn't getting any sleep today.

Jeeeesus Christ. Oh lord.

--

(bloodiedsugs's words on HTWFF-

Lol. I was blowing off steam from writing everything else... this is probably the only light-hearted fiction on my page.

PS: argh, sorry, lol, I was so focused on makign Naruto spell everything wrong that I made mistakes myself: I changed hokake to Hokage and Kazekake to kage.

Bear with me. )


	4. Pranks

**--**

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 4: Pranks **

**--**

It was 4am in the morning and Jiraiya was still going through the 'small' pile of fanfiction that was written by basically everyone…and the pile kept growing, as time went by, might I add.

The old pervert hermit, with a bottle of sake by his side, made it through Iruka's laments about teaching a class of nitwits, Sasori's forty ways of making a sufficient marionette, the Konoha ramen guy's pointers on how to make the best ramen…and even a few laments on Zaku's part, complaining that he didn't get enough screen time.

Anyways.

Having read through too much of novelty-fanfics from people he didn't usually even associate with, Jiraiya decided to take a rest and read something that was familiar, something that was written by someone in Konoha.

Aha.

A story caught his eye:

--

61. **Troublesome** by **Troublesome** reviews

Oneshot. Because long stories are troublesome.

Fiction Rated: K –English- General/Romance –Chapters 1- Words: 406 Reviews: 8

--

Written by the Shikamaru boy.

Jiraiya squinted at the screen, wondering if his eyes had gone wrong, or was there actually three 'troublesome's written up there? Nope, his eyes were fine.

Anyways, that Nara boy was supposed to be a genius, so he had to have written something with a touch of brilliance…right? Though Jiraiya wondered at the numerous appearance of the word troublesome. Three already, even before the story started.

Enter, troublesome.

--

**Troublesome** by troublesome

I find girls troublesome.

There's an abundant amount of reasons as to why I find girls so troublesome, but explaining through the whole deal would make this even more troublesome, so I'll skip most of that.

I find the falling rain troublesome. It forces me to carry an umbrella, and that's troublesome.

I find my being a Chounin troublesome. I just found out, the higher you go, the more trouble life hands out to you. Responsibility. All that.

I find eating troublesome. Mom's the type of woman to dish out the same food incessantly if I don't eat up the entire plate, and it takes a hell of a man to finish up all that she gives. She worships the concept of ad infinitum when it comes to discipline. Thus, I eat all I am given, but I don't enjoy it.

And on another point about mom; she pitches a major fit whenever my dad comes home piss-ass drunk and jolly. I find that troublesome. Also kinda hard on my ears. Thus, I don't drink. Nor do I do drugs, because both my parents would raise hell, and that's even more troublesome.

I find dating troublesome. Track back to my very first sentence—I find girls troublesome. Thus, I find dating troublesome. Carrying on to the list of girls I find troublesome.

I find Yamanaka Ino troublesome. Just because that one time, some idiot pushed me off the aisle, she thinks I'm a hot-hearted guy. Whatever that means. And she blew up the house when I gave up on that match with Temari. I'm not hot-hearted. I don't do hot-hearted. Very troublesome.

I find fan girls troublesome. I scared myself shitless when I skimmed through some of the fan fictions written up here. Quite a number of pairings. I get it, at least I'm better off than Sasuke. But to pair me with Kiba? Neji? Choji? Fucking Orochimaru? What's up with these people. Might I suggest the pretty white house on top of the hill?

I also find Haruno Sakura troublesome. There's this certain overwhelming femininity that I find suffocating. But one upside about her, at least she isn't crazy about me—amen to Sasuke.

Continuing on that line of thought (track back to dating), I find marriage troublesome. You should see our family. Mom's the king of the house. Dad ain't even a queen. A jester, maybe, if I should apply that comical hierarchy to our home. I guess I'm a lowly guard, a palace sentry. Touché.

Lastly, I find Temari troublesome.

Because.

She might end up being my wife, Choji predicts. How niggling.

**Reviews: **

Bugzlife: You find the world troublesome, no?

FoodGloriousFood: I can't believe you find eating troublesome. I'm so hurt.

InuStyle: Mendokusai Nara. It's what you should have been named.

PinkCutezBlossom: Hey, I find Ino troublesome too! And…hey! I'm not Sasuke's fangirl! I'm Sasuke's girl!

PapaNara: Son, you're going to end up like I did, honest. We Nara men, fall for troublesome gals.

KillBBro: Are you by any chance, jinxing me?

SankeyEmoMan: Ssssssssspreading the love.

WindFanTem: This borders on the undistinguishable line between love and hate. But I'll let you go. This time.

--

Well.

It written eloquently enough—actually, it was the only fanfiction so far that could be tagged such praise—but indeed, this boy needed to lighten up. He found everything troublesome.

Jiraiya was suddenly in a mood for pranking—he made a quickie account with the name of Shika's mom, …just to give the boy a fright and get him to lighten up.

--

YoMama: I'll see you at home.

--

Jiraiya squirmed in his own mirth, entirely pleased with the idea of the poor boy with the over-200 IQ, sweating over going home… though, he probably would clearly see through that poorly made account name.

Maybe it should seem more realistic?

Jiriaya thought it over with a drink of sake, then in a moment's flash, decided to make it so that it would really seem like what Shikamaru's mom would have her account as… but then he was halted.

The door to the room suddenly crashed open, and a furious Haruno Sakura and an enraged Yamanaka Ino entered the room.

Jiraiya was surprised to see the two flaming-mad, getting-ready-to-kick-the-old-dude's-butt girls burst into his hotel room.

No, it wasn't an arousing moment, ironically.

"What is the meaning of this?! "

"You pervert hermit! "

Jiraiya shut his mouth.

Sakura was holding a laptop, and Ino was glaring at the device with narrowed eyes.

"Well…"

Sakura seethed, putting a delicate hand on the side of her hips in a catty manner.

"Somebody 'hacked' into our accounts, our meaning Ino and me… and changed it to…to…this!! "

Her cheeks flamed in red spots as she snappily set the laptop on the table. She took a step back to side with Ino, who also had the identical red spot burning on her cheek.

Taking a dainty sip of sake off his day-old glass, Jiraiya cautiously peered into the screen.

--

**SheMan** (Yamanaka Ino)

**ChickWithADick** (Haruno Sakura)

--

The sake shot out of the old man's nose in two wonderfully straight unswerving beams, and landed itself on the two girl's pastel-tone skirts, making a toxic stain.

"Hahahahha, Brilliant, BRILLIANT, such ingenuity! Such originality! Give the guy two cheers! Chick with a dick! She man! Ha! "

Sakura swiftly swooped in with a Tsunade-style punch with a follow-up of Inopig-mode backlash kick, meaning the wall behind Jiraiya ended up with a telltale indecent crack afterwards.

Meaning Jiraiya had a hard time talking, for the punch had changed the form of his face temporarily.

"W…well, ya shwwee. Hmm, hmm. You see. All you have to do is just… eh, rename yourself… see? Here. "

He hurriedly showed the two girls how it all went.

"Good. There's no way in hell we're keeping these horrific atrocities. "

Jiraiya regretfully watched the names go.

He secretly wished to ask for the girls to reconsider and let the two gems… the two beauties (meaning the names) stay. But the girls brutally changed their account names back to some god-awful fright with all that sappy talks of blossoms and ice flowers.

Jiraiya let out a small sigh after the two girls left. A bit relieved.

Because.

It was him who had changed their account names.

Ha.

--

(bloodiedsug's words on HTWFF-

Sorry I was late-ish. It's midterms. I'm dying here…

PS: Lol. Anyone recognize those two account names? It was on HSBK… remember the drag party thing? Yep.

Bear with me. )


	5. Disturbingly Sweet

**--**

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 5: Disturbingly Sweet**

**--**

"Ouch. "

The ol' pervert hermit sat grudgingly, a forlorn ice pack thrust against his swelling face.

That Sakura packed a mean punch.

Not to mention Ino's wild kick.

It hurt like hell.

Jiriaya sat around for a bit, moping, but it was only so long a time that he could keep away from reading the fanfics in the Konoha file. Not when it tended to get so interesting. You could actually see people writing diaries and baring to everyone their innermost thoughts. Or, in some cases, they already showed their emotions outright…but even then, it was fun reading about it in prose.

It's always fun, messin' round with people's minds.

Jiraiya decided to choose the next story he was going to read, roulette style. He closed his eyes and wildly shook his cursor up and down… then click.

Voila.

Epitome of random choosing.

--

34. **My Role Model, Gai sensei** by **PersevereX100** reviews

Forever indebted, yours truly, Lee.

Fiction rated: K –English- Drama/Angst –Chapters 1- Words: 159 Reviews: 7

--

Jiraiya cringed, knowing the somehow sickeningly sweet relationship the two look-alikes shared. It was not that it disturbed him. It was just that… spandex.

Jiraiya shuddered, and some sake spilled out of his overflowing cup.

He wasn't one to bitch about fashion, but that outfit got to go.

Anyways.

Enter, My role model, Gai sensei:

--

**Chapter one: The great Gai sensei** by PersevereX100

The great Gai sensei once said, "Persevere! And everything will follow! "

I completely agree with him. In fact, he's the only person that I feel, strongly in my heart, that this is the one! The one that would lead me to a better world! The one that would help me become better and better till I'm the best!

To quote the great sensei once more, "There's not saying on 'any' ninja scroll, that you can't be a ninja with no ninjustu skills. "

I agree! I owe it all to Gai sensei, who is one of the best ninja's in Konoha… MUST I remind you that he's beat the famed copy ninja Kakashi sensei, 51:50!!

It is ONLY by perseverance that Gai sensei achieved this! He trains all day long! And I will become like him; I will BECOME him!! That is my goal! See my spandex!

I love you Gai sensei, for everything you've done for me!

**Reviews:**

BetterThanKakashi: You got that right boy! Persevere!

Troublesome: I sense a demagogue who worships Satan. I mean, Gai. Not Satan.

Sandbox: I apologize. I seemed to have injured your brain along with your foot.

DangoAnko: Is this an ad? Buy one Gai and everything will follow?

ISeeThroughClothes: Eyes are blinded by exclamation points.

Ichamylife: I lack Rock Paper Scissor skills, Lee. I'll credit that win to passing luck.

DoubleTchan: Spandex… oohy. Brings back bad memories. Filler time.

--

The old man rolled around on his hotel bed, spluttering sake.

The story the kid wrote was one thing, but reading the reviews was entirely another experience in itself… fucking hilarious. Especially the Kazekage. Jiraiya could not get over the Kazekage's review.

But anyways, moving on.

It's been already a full day and a half since he'd been reading the Konoha files on , and yet, the file kept growing.

It was amazing how they never put this much effort in training.

Jiraiya browsed around for a while, putting up random reviews on various stories he's just read, and laughing over a great deal of them.

He refreshed the page to check and see if there were anymore updates, and by god there was.

--

75. **Bringing up Aka-chan** by **Inustyle** reviews

Doggie diary.

Fiction rated: K –English- Family/friendship –Chapters 1- Words: 134 Reviews: 6

--

Jiraiya gaped, realizing that the boy actually took his word to heart and created a doggie diary from Akamaru.

This certainly ought to be interesting.

Enter, Bringing up Aka-chan:

**--**

**Session one: Woof, my love** by Inustyle

First day that Aka-chan opened her fine eyes, it was a sight to behold. And I ain't bluffing. That gorgeous beauty of a pup was something gorgeous, I swear.

I usually don't go being all drippy and sentimental like this, but for the sole doggie dog I love, I'll sacrifice my image.

Aka-chan likes some tuna, and that milk bone that is sold exclusively in Inuyouki's shop. I supply about one everyday, so she won't overeat. I usually brush her twice a day, and bath her once every three or four days. Note to self; Aka-chan adores warm bath water. Also, she's allergic to pork.

To borrow Shikamaru's words, it's a bit troublesome keeping track of feeding times and baths and combing… but hey.

It's worth it.

You're my girl, Aka-chan baby. Sleep tight.

**Reviews: **

LavenderBluez: This is very sweet, Kiba-kun.

DoubleTchan: Yet slightly disturbing.

Bugzlife: Just a passing comment; don't hump yo dog out of love, mate. Peace.

IceFlowerIno: I get it, the sentimental hard-on-the-edge but soft inside image right?

DaHokake: Arrgh, my friend is turning gay! I don't mind that part, but over a dog is what I'm freaking about!

HaremKonoha: Hahahahahahhahahaha mary ur dog Kiba nichan hahahhhahahhah

--

Jiraiya chortled over this one.

It was quite sweet; he's always known the boy had a soft spot for the doggie, but he didn't know 'how' intense it was. So to speak, Konohamaru actually had a point in suggesting the boy marry Akamaru.

Anyways.

It was nearing daybreak, and the slow spreading of the sun's early rays dappled the springs nearby the hotel's huge glass windows. Almost time for breakfast.

Jiraiya reckoned Tsunade wouldn't have slept a wink, just like him. You betcha this was fun. It was such a great idea, if he didn't say so himself, as he already did a thousand times.

Well, maybe just a thousand times more might get it out his system.

Stretching his body and yawning, Jiraiya leaned forward to close the laptop down when a story caught his eyes.

--

76. **Gimme Your Eyes** by **GimmeYourEyes** reviews

A poem.

Fiction rated: K+ –English- Drama/Angst –Chapters 1- Words: 105 Reviews: 5

--

Well.

Maybe just one more before breakfast.

Enter, Gimme your eyes.

--

**Gimme Your Eyes** by GimmeYourEyes

It's Itachi bitch.

Everytime they turn the lights out.

I can't see a thing for I am blind

You got my extra pair of peepers

Feels safe cause I know I have back-up

I can get down like there's no one around

Keep on looking, keep on looking

I like the fact that you see all that I can't

Keep on watching, before I gouge them out

Feels like my mind is saying

Gimme gimme eyes, gimme eyes, gimme gimme eyes

Gimme gimme eyes, gimme eyes, gimme gimme eyes

Gimme gimme eyes, gimme eyes, gimme gimme eyes

Gimme gimme eyes, gimme eyes, gimme gimme eyes

**Reviews: **

ArtisticAtomicBomb: Oh? A poem? How artistically ravishing. Yet there's no bombing involved. Huh.

PinkCutezBlossom: This sounds vaguely familiar… oh wait! You stole it off Britney's song! Stealer!

KillBBro: It's Sasuke bitch.

AngryBlueFish: I thought you already got therapy for this… obsessive compulsive disorder, was it?

DangoAnko: Wow. Now I've seen everything.

--

He's been reading 'everything' in the Konoha files, and saw many unthinkable things, but this was in a new league by itself.

Jiraiya agreed.

He's seen everything. Uh huh.

--

(bloodiedsugs's words on HTWFF-

Sorry guys, that this is the only story I'm updating nowadays…

Tis only because my not so holy ass is in the middle of midterms.. and this story's the only one I can write in less than thirty minutes. So actually, I am trying to put up at least something…. Lol, excuses, excuses.

I promise to update Temptation, HSBK,DP…and so on, after mid-effing-term ends… so for now, just enjoy this.

Thx, I know y'all understand. Lol.

PS: that song that Itachi ripped off Britney spears? Lmao… It's Gimme more. Listen to it, and laugh along with the changes I made here…

Bear with me. )


	6. G Rated Lemon

**---**

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 6: G-rated Lemon**

**----**

Jiraiya walked into the morning light, appreciating the bright sunshine that was beating down every inch of Konoha. It was an exceptionally beautiful day, with a slight breeze and enough sun to tan oneself out on the roof—not that anyone tanned here except Gai.

As he thought, the streets were buzzing with talk about the fanfics on the five precious laptops… Jiraiya walked around feeling smug, thinking, 'Honor me, people, I'm the guy that made this happen.'

Everyone ignored him.

Well, anyways, he decided to drop by Tsunade's on his way to breakfast, to gouge her reaction. She 'must' have read at least one or two fanfics right? She had no reasons to be busy anymore since all conflicts have subsided due to the fact that everyone was preoccupied with writing, even the Akatsukis.

Now that was a laugh.

When he arrived at the tall dome, he looked up to find the window to the Godaime's office slightly open, just enough to trade a simple word or two. He cupped his hands and shouted up.

"G'morning dear Godaime!! How was your night? "

A shoe flew out of the window as a reply—a ten inch stiletto—and Jiraiya ducked apprehensively. Well he did not expect 'that'. A string of incomprehensible throng of words were grumbled out of the crack in the window, some of which Jiraiya could make out as slurred swear words and profanity.

"Huh, what's gotten into 'her'? "

Instead of taking the safe stairs, he flitted up onto the window sill, where he passed Kakashi crouched in his usual spot, reading his usual book. Jiraiya inquired his faithful fan:

"What in the devil has gotten into her? "

Kakashi looked up reluctantly and in one languid motion, lifted his arm to point backwards at the direction of the window. His manner was very, 'you deal with it'.

"I think she's a bit cranky…"

"I HEARD THAT!!! "

"Cruds. "

Kakashi easily jumped over the ledge and jumped out of sight, leaving a bewildered Jiraiya standing alone on top of the windowsill.

"Jiraiya you fucking ass, is that you?! "

"Ah… well, just omit the phrase, 'fucking ass', and yes, that might be me. "

He attempted timidly. Her voice was grouchy and hoarse.

"Don't take the piss, I will kill you if you get on my nerves. "

It seemed like he already had gotten on her nerves. But why?

He cautiously stepped down into room as in the manner of stepping into a tiger's cage. Tsunade was seated in all her glory… on the floor. Several sake bottles were strewn about and he even detected a faint smell of vomit emitting from a corner somewhere. She must have had an orgy of a night.

"Ah…uh, um. Well. Did you happen to read any…of the fanfics yesterday? "

She looked up, livid.

"Yes, I read them. All, actually. "

"All…ALL? "

Jiraiya exclaimed incredulously. He hadn't been expecting that.

Tsunade looked up crankily; she looked like she got a bad case of migraine.

"Yes… a Hokage with time on her hands need something to do. So I read the entire file… and by god, do I regret it! "

Jiraiya cringed; what was wrong? I mean, he did find some of the fanfics boring or outlandish, but it was fun reading them. It was even more fun reading the reviews. What in the world could she be bitching about?

Tsunade continued lamenting:

"This is AGONY… I did not know, did not WISH to know, that our village… our precious village of Konoha… is…is…"

She moaned, hands cradling her bowed head.

"Is? "

Jiraiya prompted. Tsunade glared.

"Packed full to brim with nuts and sarcasm addicts!! "

"Eh? "

"Our village is a nuthouse, goddamit, it's a loony bin in the literal sense!! "

Jiriaya roared in laughter, but was soon pinned to the wall by a grizzly mannered Godaime.

"Don't 'provoke' me Jiraiya, it will cost you your nose at the very least. I've just found out that I was running a village filled with sarcastic youths and mental breakdowns, animal fetishists, not to mention a certain pedophile…oh god, the pedophile… that had me downing two bloody marys… before dawn! Before dawn, ya hear me?! "

The pervert hermit grimaced.

"Ah… well. But didn't you have fun? "

Tsunade frowned.

"Fun? Of 'course' I had fun! If it even hadn't been fun, you'd be by now, sautéed in rosemary butter and thrown off a bridge for the sharks to come… but never mind. This migraine is killing me. "

In the split second Tsunade let go, Jiraiya regained himself and quickly shot out of the window, landing on the hard ground under.

He…might come back later, when her migraine had passed ad she wasn't feeling so…uptight.

----

"Ola Jiraiya san! "

A certain blond bimbo was waving at him from a distance afar, but as he got closer, Jiriaya saw that it was a boy. A boy named Kabuto. He looked flushed , excited.

He started talking without prompt.

"Ah, you see… well. I just submitted my very first fanfic!! "

Jiraiya wondered if he should start whooping and clapping; it was kind of hard to summon any enthusiasm when all you'd been doing was read fanfics all day… great, yay. One more to add to the growing pile. Whoop di do.

"I…I do have a request. "

"…huh? "

"Will you read it? It's submission number 102. "

Holy fuck.

So it had broken through the three digit barrier already? Jiraiya tried not to cringe at the number, and smiled at the boy encouragingly .

"Sure, sure. In due time, in due time. "

After his simple meal at the ramen house (Naruto: pervert hermit, you read my story yet? Review, review!! ), Jiraiya returned to his sanctuary of a hotel room and turned on his laptop again. This time, he had let it cool off, so he could spend another 24 hours on an orgy of fanfics…

But first, he would keep his promise.

He scrolled down the list of fanfics in the Konoha file, and came down to submission 102. It went something like this.

------

102. **Becoming Gorgeous** by **NurseKabu** reviews

The art of plastic surgery

Fiction rated: M –English- Drama/Angst –Chapters 1- Words: 9845 Reviews: 7

----

Ugh.

Plastic surgery. Niptuck. Botox land. Lipo.

Jiraiya did not feel like reading the whole disgusting entry—he disliked reading about bloody operations, like sawing off chins and slicing off noses—and besides, it was freakishly long. 9845 words on just plastic surgery?

Nah, pass.

But he did have to have an idea of what it was, so he wouldn't get chewed out by Kabuto later on. So he decided to check up on the reviews…

---

**Reviews**

SnakeyEmoMan: Nice name, madame kabutolisssssa. But bad story.

Shizune: Nurse Kabu? 'Nurse' Kabu? Huh. Well… Don't mind me.

AngryBlueFish: I'd like a nose, please. Don't got one.

DaHokake: I don need plastik surjuary! I'm alrudy gud luking!

HaremKonoha: Hahahaha make me pretty hahaha

---

Huh.

It seems like nobody read it.

Jiriaya decided to wing it—if the guy comes up and asks how it was, he'd just ask for a chin-tuck. Whatever.

Next fanfic.

----

103. **Ssssssex** by **SnakeyEmoMan** reviews

Come and get sssssome.

Fiction rated: K –English- Horror/Romance –Chapters 1- Words: 155 Reviews: 12

----

Jiraiya shuddered.

He lived by writing lemon, but… blehhhhhgh.

It triggered his curiosity anyhow. First lemon of all the files, wow.

And why the hell was it rated K?!

Enter, Ssssssex.

------

**Ssssssex** by SnkeyEmoMan

I sssssmell him before he even enterssss the room. My dear Sssssassssuke, my precioussss.

Delicioussssss.

Mmmm.

He ssssmells of sssssssweat, yessss, god yessss.

He is already sssssstripped to his assssss, makess it all the more easier, fassssster.

He sssstands before me like a sssssex toy, like a live ssssssex doll.

Ahhhh rejoice, rejoice.

I walk up to him and sssssay:

"Gimme some oomph babe. Ring a ding ding. Bring me my sssssssexy back, my ding ding dong. "

We have musssssic, Ta la la, by the candlelight… sssssso romantic.

I rip all my clothesssss off, and my neck shootssss up into the air ten feet long… yesss, I am that horny.

Little adorable Sssssasuke is afraid, he runssss… but my neck is fassster than him.

I bite into his beautiful white neck and drag him back… back, ahhhhh.

He ssssstruggless… I bite harder….

He finally stopssss moving, and now… now…

SSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssss….oh yesssssssssssss

(to be continued)

**Reviews**

ArtisticAtomicBomb: Jeeeeesus fucking Christ. You need therapy.

Iruka: You exposing this to our children? Why doesn't anybody think about the children?!

MarionetteBoiz: Nasty lemon you got there.

KillBBro: Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck my life. Shit, I swear I'll kill you, I swear. After I kill Itachi, of course.

NurseKabu: And you dare criticize "my" fanfic? Eat this pedophile!!

OhSoEvil: I announce you the grand title: Michael Jackson of the Naruto world. I mean you, bud.

9livesminus3: I'm glad you bailed out and ditched Akatsuki. Can't have you polluting my grounds.

ISeeThoughClothes: I see why it's a horror.

Bob: I guess I'm the only one that enjoyed this…?

DangoAnko: First lemon in the Konoha file and it's 'this'… sigh.

Haremkonoha: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGJHJDKFHJSD...

Inustyle: Sadly enough, this is getting over 10 reviews. Oh dang, now 12!

------

Jiraiya's eyes boggled.

Never mind about the creepy story; who the hell was Bob?! Why the hell did he/she say this crap was enjoyable? What was wrong with that guy/gal?!

Maybe Tsunade was right. Konoha was a loony bin.

There must have been more perverts here than he had previously thought.

Huh.

-----

**(bloodiedsugs' words on HTWFF-**

Haha. Was this a bit too late?

Well, compared to my other fics, this one updates pretty fast—I already told you the reasons.

Uh. About SnakeyEm…Michael Jac… Orochi's lemon. Let's just not discuss it. Lol.

PS: I killed myself with embarrassment+hysterical laughter writing that entry…

Bear with me. )


	7. Nuthouse

**---**

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 7: Nuthouse**

**----**

Jiraiya started the day with something fresh.

As in too fresh, too foral, too sappy, too Ino.

------

113. **A True Story** by **IceFlowerIno** reviews

How S and I found each other and fell in love and married and had two babies.

Fiction rated: M –English- Romance/Angst –Chapters 1- Words:184 Reviews: 7

----

Must he go on?

Jiraiya harrumphed in distaste.

Great, beautiful summary. Now he didn't have to read the damn thing.

It wasn't that he disliked Ino—except for that one disgraceful time when she refused to be called SheMan—it was only that he wasn't too fond of romances… He mostly stuck to his Icha Icha 70% pervert 20 % plot 10% floral stories. Now 'that' was a true fanfic. Not that his pervert thing went to much out of orbit—it would never be unreal as the lemon Orochimaru had taken care to write… who the hell was BOB?!

Huh.

But knowing Ino, it was obvious what kind of story she'd written.

Enter A true story.

------

**A true story** by IceFlowerIno

One upon a time, there was this gorgeous painter with floppy raven hair and a beautiful absolutely pretty smile with that cute lilting sort of eyes… let's call him S, shall we?

He lived in a village called Ahonok, and in that village lived a stunningly attractive blonde florist with curves in all the 'right' places, with a penchant for wearing purple. Let's call her I, shall we?

Those two met on a windy day with blossoms whirling all around them in a torrent; because, that is like, so romantic. It was like a movie and all.

And when they met, they kinda of 'knew' right away, clickety click, that 'this' is the right one! This is true love!

He held her right away and whispered hotly into her ears

"I want you. "

And it would have been so corny if someone like Naruto said it. I mean, a guy like 'him' would've said it eating ramen and wearing face paint. But it was fine with a capital F cause it was S.

Because you know, he's like, that kind of gorgeous. Duh.

**Reviews**

DaHokake: Oi!! I'm nut corny!!

Inustyle: Hey everybody, Naruto is a nut!!

Troublsome: Ahonok is Konoha backwards, if I may make a passing comment.

PinkCutezBlossom: You have the wrong genre, this should be in 'fantasy', Yamanaka Butt-Pig. As if we don't know who S and I is…

IPaintThings: Why did you tell me to read this Ino? Is this somebody we know?

Ohsoevil: Goosebumps on my arms… Eeeuch. Konoha kuinochis are all so sappy! Damn, where have gone all those fiery dames?!

MarionetteBoiz: They took one look at you and ran away, Hidan. Cough cough.

---

Jiraiya whooped with laughter when he saw Sai's comment.

Well, the poor thing was clueless, as was Ino. He could almost hear the girl rolling her eyes and flickety flicking her blonde hair off her shoulders as she narrated her story.

Anyways, it seems like the site has been upgraded in a way he had not anticipated. Now, instead of those people just uploading their stories, they were almost chatting online with reviews… very primitive kind of communication, considering this was a digital age, but Jiraiya let it pass—five laptops, no wonder they resorted to review-chat.

But the good news was that people were participating more; even Sai, who took five minutes at the keyboard just typing his account name—IpaintThings—was participating, though he had yet to produce a fanfic.

Oh well.

Next fanfic.

------

114. **I see through clothes** by **ISeeThroughClothes** reviews

My powers.

Fiction rated: M –English- Family/Angst –Chapters 1- Words:5 Reviews: 10

----

Ahh.

This seemed 'quite' high on the danger scale; Tsunade was bound to flip. Though he was not quite sure how much.

Jiraiya wondered; how could there be more reviews than words? This boy only wrote 5 words, yet he got 10 reviews. Interesting.

Enter, I see through clothes.

----

**I see through clothes** by ISeeThroughCLothes

I see through clothes. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

**Reviews:**

Ichamylife: Neji-kun, It's Gai's fault, isn't it? You can tell me the truth.

Iruka: The children!! The children!!

HaremKonoha: hahahah me want hahahaha

ISeeThroughClothes: HANABI!!!!!!!!!! I SWEAR I will CUT you if you mess with my account again!!

SnakeyEmoMan: Technically, not even a story, yet so 'very' engaging. Tres elegant. I like it. SSSsss

PersevereX100: I can too! Better than you!!

LavenderBluez:Ne…Neji ni-san! Father made us promise not to use our eyes for that purpose… when we're out of home!

GimmeYourEyes: Lend me your eyes, will you?

ItsNOTmakeup: Why the hell is the genre 'family'? …no, wait, BLEEeeecgh!

WindFanTem: I've just lost all respect for Konoha shinobis…

-----

Well now he knew.

Jiraiya froze; Neji…what???

Holy fuck.

Jiriaya felt like slapping his face and moaning through the cracks; Tsunade surely would faint with exasperation if she read this. 'The' genius Hyuuga Neji… from the 'prestigious' old-blood family of Hyuugas…and this.

Maybe Tsunade was right. Konoha was indeed a nuthouse. He kept murmuring in his mouth: '…even the Hyuugas… even the Hyuugas… '

Then he got to the reviews.

Oh, now he got it. At least it was a joke. Jiraiya leaned back into the cushion in relief, his stream of consciousness still blaring warning sirens everywhere, though he could not gouge why. He was missing something, but did not know what. Well anyhow, Neji poor bloke, Hanabi should have more sense in her than to…

No, wait…. What?

Jumping out of his seat, he read over Hinata's review again. In his haste, he knocked over a few glasses that reeked of sake; luckily they were empty, and nothing overflowed. Checking this, Jiraiya locked his eyes onto the bright screen.

Ah. So they allowed it 'in' house, did they.

Now just a little holy fucking minute…say what, Hinata?!

From a few hundred meters away, he heard a shriek… the Godaime's shriek to be precise:

"NOT the Hyuugas too!!! AHHHHHhhhhhgggGGK!!!"

Perhaps it was due time for Konoha to actually consider building a nuthouse.

Yes.

-----

(bloodiedsugs's words on HTWFF-

Hyuuga cest…in a really really weird sense.

Yep.

PS: was I late with this one? …sorry, I have a new story, and was working on it… not to mention school work. The usual… as in excuses.

PPS: by the way, ItsNOTmakeup is Kankuro. I know, you guys already knew that, lol.

Bear with me. )


	8. Tres merde and sacre bleu

**---**

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 8: Tres merde and sacre bleu**

**----**

A week has passed since Jiraiya had introduced the Naruto cast to the fantastic world of FF. Precisely a week.

There are about 137 fanfics in the Konoha file, still growing even as I, the author writes, due to the overwhelming flow of literary creativity. Or rather, newly found hobby.

"Oi, oi! Pervy hermit! "

"It's Jiraiya!! "

"Read my fanfic! Read my fanfic! I wrote a new one! "

It was the incessantly annoying Naruto, who demanded attention from the groggy Jiraiya. It was tiring enough that he was the one who had to go through the pile of fanfics and sort out the ones that were 'appropriately' matched with their rating. For instance, he had to flag Orochimaru—ah, the Michael Jackson, eh—for rating his horrendous lemon a measly 'K', when it should have been a 'MMMMMMMMMM+++++'.

Or maybe he should make a rating: 'S&M'. Sufficient.

"Read it, read it! "

"Naruto…"

"Read it, read it! "

"Naruto!!"

"Read it, read it! "

"I'll never teach you any jutsu ever again if you don't stop!! "

"Read it, read it!! "

That's it.

"I'll cancel your FF account!!"

That got the poor kid to shut up.

He was mighty cranky about it too, his blonde hair bristling in anger as he petulantly crossed his arms and plopped down onto the street. Jiraiya gave a firm nod, as if to indicate his authority over the Naruto cast, as he was the one who took care of their accounts and stories.

Actually, his power only extended to changing names and flagging a few inappropriate stories…but no one else needed to know that now, did they?

Naturally, Jiraiya was sick to death of Konoha stories; only an hour ago, he's read yet again another recipe by Choji, and an account by Papa Nara, Shika boy genius's dad, on how he was chased by a huge constipated deer in heat in his own park. Really, he needed some time away from reading Konoha fanfics.

Reason numero one: Tsunade pitched a fit whenever she came across something even a little provocative. Ever since she's read Neji's 5 letter bomb of a fanfic, she's not quite the same. Shizune claims the Godaime's drowning herself in sake; she even requested that Shizune fill a swimming pool with sake in it instead of water.

Now who was the nut?

Reason numero two: It was the easiest way of finding out secret plans. It was even better than hiring an eavesdropper or a sneak, since the writer 'bared-it-all' in their writing.

Reason numero three: It was also very fun, reading about other village's secrets.

Jiraiya had not known before, the joys of learning the inside scoop on the inhabitants of clandestine villages.

Enter, Sunagakure, royalty style.

------

136. **How to find a bride for your brothers** by **WindFanTem** reviews

A tiring, taxing, troublesome job.

Fiction rated: T+ –English- Family/Drama –Chapters 1- Words: 279 Reviews: 9

----

Temari, huh.

Jiraiya pondered for a moment, and soon enough recalled that she had Gaara the kazekage and Kankuro as her brothers.

Enter, How to find a bride for your brothers.

-----

**How to find a bride for your brothers** by WindFanTem

One thing I've learned through the years is that it's really hard work, this business of finding perfect girls for your brothers. Taxing.

Now, I'd have enough work on my hands with Kankuro, no kidding, but I also have Gaara. Unless I'm the patron saint of holy matrimony, I can't go through this.

Imagine: One brother, Kankuro. He insists on wearing make-up. I'm tired of hearing his excuses that it's not make-up, but face paint. Well, hear me out dear brother: it's the same thing, savvy? And girls don't really go for guys with make-up on their face.

Unless… Kankuro is gay.

Which might make some sense, since he keeps his make-up tidy in a pretty pink and blue box under his black marionette. Telltale sign.

The other brother, Gaara. I'd be satisfied if he doesn't bury his bride under his sandbox on their wedding day. I know he's been improving lots, and he's really really trying…

But I can't help but feel that he'd be much better off taking that sleeping pill I bought off from the black market. Look at the dark circles round his eyes. Okay, girls might find it sexy, but that's the problem. He's like a venus fly trap.

I know this is a really bad… way of putting this, but imagine the girls are flies. They go up to Gaara, and oops, they're attracted. So they go closer…and then bam! Next thing you know, you're buried under 500 tons of sand along with Kimimaro.

Now does any girl want that?

This is really tiring. But.

If anyone's interested in marrying either one, give me a call at Sunagakure royal dome, call info. Thanks.

**Reviews:**

ItsNOTmakeup: …I've lost any trace of brotherly love for you Temari. IT'S NOT MAKEUP!!!! WHY doesn't anyone understand me? That box is not pink and blue, it's cherry and navy! Royal NAVY!! And I'm NOT GAY!!!

Sandbox: …it's actually 643 tons of sand to be precise. 500 ton is not very accurate.

SnakeyEmoMan: I'm tres interesssssssted…SSSsssss. Are they both available?

NurseKabu: So that's where Kimimaro went…

Bob: I'm quite fine, thank you. I have a lot of people to play with in the sand. I also have a laptop. Now all I need is my Orochi-sama.

IceFlowerIno: Ooh, ooh, is your brother sexy? May I have a look-see?

Troublesome: At least your brothers won't have trouble finding you a husband.

Inustyle: Woooh and double woah! Shika, was a that a marriage proposal? Hell yeah!!

PapaNara: See what I told you son? Us laggers always go for 'these' kind of gals.

--

Jiraiya did a small mini-applaud for the Nara family, then did a double-take at Bob's comment. Hint one: he was inside Gaara the kazekage's sandbox. Hint two: he was responding to the text; thus, he was mentioned in the story. Hint three: he liked Orochimaru.

Shit.

Bob was Kimimaro?! No wonder he enjoyed Orochi Jackson's crazy lemon.

He sunk into his bed, and closed his eyes.

Oh, a migraine was coming, and he didn't even drink to deserve it this time. Perhaps this was what Tsunade felt when she read Neji's 'Mmmmmm' fanfic.

He actually thought of resting, and maybe taking a nap, but decided to finish up the last fanfic that had been recently uploaded…before anyone else got the hankering to put up one more.

Scroll down, Scroll down. Numero 137.

Wait....

9livesminus3?

That was Pain.

He wrote fanfics?

------

137. **The secrets of Akatsuki** by **9livesminus3** reviews

The secrets, finally revealed.

Fiction rated: M –English- Horror/Angst –Chapters 1- Words: 25 Reviews: 5

----

This looked pretty harmless.

And oh-so-very intriguing.

Enter, The secrets of Akatsuki.

----

**The secrets of Akatsuki** by 9livesminus3

I know all the secrets of the world.

But I won't say, because then, I'd have to hunt you down and kill all of you.

**Reviews: **

PinkCutezBlossom: Cough, cough; 'filthy trick' anyone?

AngryBlueFish: I bet you didn't know that I have a blue birthmark on my butt shaped in the size of George Washington's head. It's my biggest secret.

ArtisticAtomicBomb: I don't think anyone even wanted to know that, Kisame. Besides, you're already blue.

BetterThanKakashi: I will hunt you down and kill you for wasting one minute of my time…oh wait, now two.

GimmeYourEyes: I have a secret. If you give me your eyes, I will tell them to you.

-----

Jiraiya kicked the laptop off the table.

That was excruciatingly frustrating. It was like one of those huge extravagant presents wrapped in silver paper, but when you actually tear open the wrapping paper, there's another layer of wrapping paper. And another, and another, and another. Until nothing remains but a tiny small piece of note that reads, 'Double ha-ha, got you. '

He flagged the story out of spite. The reason?

Inappropriate content.

----

(bloodiedsugs's words on HTWFF-

Lol. I do love ShikaTem couple.

And we finally see Jiraiya's childish angry moment. Ha.

PS: you are free to request me to do fanfics of anyone here. I'll try to do it all someday.

Bear with me)


	9. It's Raining Men

**---**

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 9: It's raining men**

**----**

It was a ritual now.

As soon as he woke, Jiraiya reached for a bottle of water to ease the headache—never, never call it a migraine—in his head from the massive consuming of sake last night. Then, he flipped open his computer to see how many more fanfics were up.

Bingo.

Numero 138.

------

138. **A…a Logical Story** by **LavenderBluez** reviews

I…I don't know how to summarize…

Fiction rated: T –English- General –Chapters 1- Words: 109 Reviews: 7

----

Even the title screamed timid.

Jiraiya peered into the screen with a chuckle; it was uncanny how you could immediately suss out who was who and what was what. This was deifinitely the work of a shy timid girl that happened to be part of the most prestigious and well known family in Konoha. Namely, the Hyuugas.

Enter, A…a Logical Story.

----

**A…a Logical Story** by LavenderBluez

I…If an apple drops on to the earth, people would be able to calculate the velocity by utilizing Newton's law…

A…and if a metal oxide reacts with water, it would have basic qualities, j…just like when a nonmetal oxide reacts, it would have acidic qualities.

A…also, ideal gas doesn't exist...be…because the presence of attraction between the particles wou…would mess up the rules to being an ideal gas… which assumes in the first place that there are no attractions. Those are the rules.

B…But when you…like someone.

There's no theory or method that can ease it.

PS: I… is this too short? I'm sorry, I…I'm not much of a writer.

**Reviews: **

IceFlowerIno: Beautiful, so true.

DoubleTchan: Lol, for a second Hinata, I thought you really were going to ramble about science!

ISeeThroughClothes: Hinata, don't tell me you like someone… what if Hiashi sees this an…h..lksdjlkj, HANABI, no!!! Do NOT call uncle!!

HyuugaHiashi: Who is it, Hinata. I will personally rip him into pieces and feed him to Neji.

KillBBro: Neji will have indigestion if he eats so much as a piece of the dobe.

DaHokake: OOOH! Hinata, you like someone? Hu is it?

FoodGloriousFood: Naruto, you are stupid.

-----

Jiraiya agreed. Naruto was stupid.

And the Hyuuga girl was a sweet writer! Hmm, it was tidy logic, and it worked....or rather, would have worked as a subtle hint to anyone but a blockhead like Naruto. Wit was always lost on stupid men like him...

Anyways, next story.

------

139. **Sensual Love** by **Mike** reviews

Man X Man. Sensual love.

Fiction rated: M –English- Romance/Angst –Chapters 1- Words: 184 Reviews: 14

----

Mike? Who the hell was Mike?

And the story seemed scandalous enough, blatantly roaring to the world that here was a story starring two men in love…and maybe not 'just' love, seeing that it was rated M.

Jiraiya had noticed quite a lot of manXman pairings among the fanfics in the Konoha file… only that most of it were too crude a piece to actually bother engraving into his memory. And the ones that were shocking enough to engrave itself into his memory were too shocking.

Cough, Orochi Jackson, cough.

Cough, Bob, cough.

Jiraiya decided to put on a bet; would this be a 'yawn, learn your grammar before doing the lemon business' piece, or 'you brain-fucked me' piece?

Enter, Sensual Love.

---

**Sensual Love** by Mike

It had been a blazing autumn day, when two friends decided to put aside their fears and finally…. bond.

If you know what I mean.

Naruto shyly leaned into Sasuke's body, his corn silk hair sliding into the niche of his friend's white neck. Sasuke sighed contentedly, closing his eyes and shivering at the intimate gesture.

"I'm not sure I'm ready. "

Naruto commented quietly, his deep blue eyes gazing dully into the empty space before him. Sasuke's hand rose up quietly and placed itself on Naruto's face, cupping his cheek. Naruto instinctively froze, his eyes narrowing in chagrin for he knew what was coming next. Sasuke bent down again and planted a soft sensual kiss on his cheek.

His lips were cool from the ice cream that they had eaten just half an hour ago, and his minty breath tickled Naruto's face like an autumn breeze.

Naruto breathed in the scent for a blissful minute, both of them stagnant in their own idyllic world. It was not too soon that Naruto finally opened his mouth and spoke, almost a whisper:

"I'm ready. "

**Reviews: **

DoubleTchan: I know, I know the next part! And then…. Kakashi sensei drops in on the fun!! And they do a groupie thing! Ooohy, gaaaaaarrrr (homer simpson thing)

PinkCutezBlossom: Wow…Ten..ten, I didn't know you liked those kind of pairings so much…well, I mean, I don't mind the Sasuke thing but why Naruto? Humph!

IceBlossomIno:…can you possibly include a certain S in here?

DaHokake: GAAAAaaaah!! GAH GAH GAH … D'oh, Doughkhkjdk…GAAAaaah!!!

KillBBro: …you fuckers.

HaremKonoha: hahahahhahahahhahahahhah Naruto ni-chan is gay gay gay, with Sasuke san, hahahaha.

Inustyle: I'm sure I should be disgusted… but this is helluva funny!! Naruto's gettin' some action alright!

Troublesome: The sad thing is that the writing itself is not bad. I can't say much for the story.

DangoAnko: Ooh, ooh! Do a trio! A trio! But oh come on Tenten-chan! Kakashi deserves better!

SnakeyEmoMan: It's raining men, hallelujah it's raining men!

Bob: Ooh lala.

Iruka: How sinfully inappropriate!!

ILoveKurenai: Hell, why not? Include Iruka in there for fun! That oughta cause some scandals. Pair him up with Kakashi! Hahahaahha

Ichamylife: … I believe I saw my name up here somewhere. And Asuma, I believe you will be dead in approximately one hour.

----

After he had finished reading, he decided it was neither.

"Bwahaahaahahahahahahahahhaha!!!!"

What kid of a 'nitwit' would pair Sasuke and Naruto together?

That's the equivalent to pairing Ino and Sakura up! They'd tear each other apart before the 'romance'—here, Jiraiya took another tumble roll laughing hysterically, and landed on the cold floor—started to bloom…oh the romance...

"Kyahahahaahahhaahah!!!! "

An unearthly sound reverberated from far away.

It was the Godaime's laughter, ringing shrilly from several hundred meters away. She must be in agony, half from helpless laughter and half from serious brain damage considering the fact that a 'Konoha' villager had wrote this. A certain Konoha villager with the account name of Mike, who had a penchant for pairing up two most unlikely boys ever. A certain Konoha villager who knew a lot of people would actually….like this.

Jiraiya shuddered involuntarily.

Who was Mike again? It couldn't be Bob, for he had reviewed…

Man, 14 reviews for this? Although Shikamaru was right, the writing was indeed eloquent…

Suddenly, the door of his hotel room burst open, completely unhinging the poor wooden frame.

Jiraiya prepared for another bitchfit, lest it be Haruno ChickWithADick or Yamanaka Sheman again…but wait. Jiraiya frowned in confusion. He hadn't played a trick on anyone for a long time, why should anyone…

"PERVERT HERMIT!!!!! "

"YOU OLD FUCKTARD!!! "

Ah.

Naruto and Sasuke were pushing each other away, wrestling viciously to get inside the room first before the other did.

And seeing them, Jiraiya started to convulse in laughter again; he could not help it, it was like an instinct thing.

"Stop laughing…and ERASE this atrocity from the file!!! Before more people READ it!! "

Sasuke slammed both his hands onto the table, his eyes lighting up sharingan style.

Naruto followed suit, but instead of his hands, his feet crashed onto the table as he suddenly whipped up a piece of paper from his pocket.

"Listen up alright, pervy hermit? I have something to bargain for…"

"It's Jiraiya you twerp!! "

"He said LISTEN goddammit!! "

Sasuke suddenly intervened, growling into the elderly's frail ear. Jiraiya eyed with stunned outrageousness at the boy's livid face.

Naruto grinned triumphantly as he waved the piece of paper in front of Jiraiya's face.

"In here… I have a picture. Of a naked lady. "

Jiraiya did not tell the boys that he had no power to remove the story, but decided to play it smooth. He snorted at the offer, and crossed his arms contemptuously.

"Hmph, I'm the author of the Icha Icha series, Naruto. Ya think I'd fall for anything like that? It has to be at least a video to faze me!! "

Naruto and Sasuke met eyes for a second, the aversion obvious on their expressions. Sasuke gave a curt nod, and Naruto spoke.

"It's the Godaime. "

Jiraiya jumped up two feet. And crashed into the ceiling.

"WHAT?!! "  
----

(bloodiedsugs's words on HTWFF—

I wonder how that deal would turn out. Lol.

Anyways, many people requested for that NaruSasu flick, so that's what I did... lol. And when you actually think about it, it's weird, since all this is coming from one person.

Tres disturbing.

PS: Sorry I was 'sinfully' (channeling Iruka) late. I've forgotten… eeps.

Bear with me)


	10. Little Merman

**---**

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 10: Little Merman**

**----**

The two boys grinned maniacally in triumph; they had Jiraiya dancing on his toes.

No one in their right minds had gotten a naked picture of Tsunade before…not that she was hideously disfigured or had bumps on her voluptuous figure. It was just that they would have barely taken two steps away with the thing before she crushed them with her 'I-pawn-earthquakes' smash-type punches.

"Well, do we have a deal? "

"Deal! Deal, pervert hermit! "

Jiraiya mused over the situation at hand.

First, he didn't really have, exactly, the power to remove the story. However, he did have the power to flag the story—just like probably everyone else in Konoha could. But the beauty was that 'they' didn't know.

"Ah, well, of course. See…"

Jiraiya pretended to tinkle with his laptop, wearing an imperious face while ceremoniously pressing the 'flag' button.

"The story will soon be gone. "

He turned to the boys with a big smile. They were both standing at the doorway now, Naruto's nose twitching alarmingly and Sasuke's lips turned up in a cynical characteristic smirk. Jiraiya beamed at them in good cheer.

"Now, do proceed. The picture? "

"We left it under that sake bottle. "

Jiraiya looked around.

There were at least 50 bottles.

"…which one?"

He muttered grumpily, while the boys took off.

After a ten minute self-game of 'which fucking bottle, dammit', Jiraiya found a folded envelope. Shame. He would have liked the picture in mint condition, not creased up like any old picture. Because this one was indeed, very special, worth something, belonging somewhere that did it justice.

As in the Ripley's Believe it or not Museum, along with the shrunken heads and hairy dames.

Before he opened the envelope, he stood with his eyes closed in a zen like state for a minute, praying to god that… god save him the day Tsunade found out what he was about to do…

With trembling fingers, out came the picture.

Oh?

Not a picture.

But a note, a note.

It was written in Naruto's unruly cursive:

"Harhar. Did yu thingk dat we wud hav Tsnade granny's picture? If we did, wed be alredy DED! "

Plus, Sasuke's small neat scrawl on the side:

"Dead by the horrors of my eyes melting at the sight of the Godaime in something as sinfully inappropriate as the 'B'…."

And there was a badly drawn drawing of old 'baa-chan', as in Tsunade, wearing a bikini shaped out of circlets and blowing a kiss. So appropriately crude.

Jiraiya shuddered in fear and horror and ripped the note into pieces.

'They two-timed me! '

How the 'hell' could have he, the great Jiraiya, the pervert herm...—damn those kids, he was doing that to himself! Jiraiya, not pervert hermit! Anyways, how could he have fallen for that trick? He should have known better.

Seething with unidentifiable anger—it exceeded the time when he went to the store ad they told him they were out of sake because Tsunade had bought the whole lot—Jiraiya violently threw his fist on the keyboard of his laptop…click.

It scrolled down to the newest fanfics on page.

"Hmm? Akatsuki idiots are finally submitting! "

He writhed in anger again, as he recalled his unproductive encounter with Pein's fanfic…stupid stupid site didn't take it off!!

Well, maybe it was worth a look.

------

141. **Overcoming Stereotypes** by **AngryBlueFish** reviews

I will not stand for this injustice.

Fiction rated: T+ –English- Angst/General –Chapters 1- Words: 150 Reviews: 6

----

Eh?

What did Akatsuki's sushi man have to say at all? Jiraiya was quite perplexed.

It wasn't like he kept being called a pervert hermit from little brats that were less than half his age, it wasn't dignified to be…ooh, a new edition of Katsumi's secret bikini profile? And a discount on VIP members?! And in HQ!!!? He had to get that he had to!!.....

Oops, digressing, digressing.

Jiraiya quickly closed the pop-up and returned to the FF page.

Enter, Overcoming stereotypes.

--------

**Overcoming Stereotypes** by AngryBlueFish

I will not, stand, for this.

Over time, I had collected many stereotypes about me including ridiculous ones that claim that I am, blue.

No, I am not blue, I am 'baby blue', the softest pastel like bluey blue that had ever existed on earth…(don't you dare laugh)

And secondly, I am not…I repeat NOT, a fish. You people will not cut me up for dinner and have me as sushi. I will taste crap with wasabi. I'm not a fish!

I am, a merman.

And lastly—though there are more injustice that I would like to point out, I simply don't have time, I'm a very busy man—about that little notion about Itachi san. Look, so many damn people assume (when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me!) that I'm Itachi's sub—ordinate!

It may look so, buy I'm actually his part—ner! An E—qual!!

Reviews:

DangoAnko: Oh, so you're…like, uh…his 'partner'. I get it. Just saying.

9livesminus3: Baby blue my multi-lived ass, Kisame.

Inustyle: Hey! Aren't you like that, 'I've got a George Washington birthmark on my blue ass' fish dude? Woah, nice to meet ya! I've never met someone famous before!

ISeeThroughClothes: Little Mer…man. As opposed to Disney's little mermaid, sweet.

PerservereX100: Yes! That is exactly what I tell people! They assume Gai sensei is my father!

Bob: I like sushi.

----

The poor thing had a lot going, didn't he?

Jiraiya sympathized with Kisame, although he did snort at the merman bit.

Anyways, he turned to the next story, which was also written by an Akatsuki member… the one with the crazy obsession with art and the long pretty hair—Deidara.

Unfortunately, to Jiraiya, the guy was just some nut who exploded things for fun, then justified it by calling it art…no better than a certain brat who called him pervert hermit when it was he that made up harem jutsus for self-posing photos...that kid had a collection for god's sake.

Oops, digressing, digressing.

------

142. **The Art of Self-Justification** by **ArtisticAtomicBomb** reviews

The title explains itself.

Fiction rated: T+ –English- General/Family –Chapters 1- Words:133 Reviews: 7

----

Jiraiya snickered at the title.

Well, at least he admits it.

Enter, The Art of Self-Justification.

---

**The Art of Self-Justification** by ArtisticAtomicBomb

It is art, the sole thing that is able to make my heart beat as fast as when I'm about to eat a big bar of Hershey's milk chocolate with the pretty foil.

I explode things, to return everything to zero, to nothingness, and that…that is art! Truly, beautifully, the world exclaims at the sight of seeing something so perfect reduced to rubbles…every single reaction, ever single grain of dust that flies away into the darkness….The single bright burst of light before what 'is' returns to what 'is not'…

It. Is. Art.

See how much art means to me?

See how much I love it?

So…uh. That is why I blew up your bunk beds, Sasori and Zetsu.

See? Eh…to create art.

Yes. Uh…

Sorry.

I'm sure you guys are men enough to understand.

Reviews: 

VenusFlyTrap: You, my man, are in so much trouble.

MarionetteBoiz: Let's blow up 'his' bed and see how the bastard likes it. Ka-ching.

OhsoEvil: Hey, you guys can sleep along in our bunk! Kakuzu won't mind!

PaperFlower: If you are as stupid as to destroying our bunk, Deidara, Pein will kill you personally.

DaHokake: Wooooh Dis so useful!!

Ichamylife: May I borrow your insanely effective skills to use when I'm late for class?

PinkCutezBlossom: Kakashi sensei!!

-----

Wow.

Jiraiya grinned.

This guy, was a genius.

---

(bloodiedsugs's words on HTWFF-

Yay, Akatsuki fanfics were quite fun to write.

I'll do a Hidan one someday.

PS: sorry I was late. It's the finals period.

Bear with me)


	11. Icha Icha Konoha Harem Paradise

**---**

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 11: Icha Icha Konoha Harem Paradise**

**----**

The alarm clock rang, and Naruto fell out of bed.

Stretching in his own customary way, he opened the window to greet the morning sunlight, bright and shinin…oh, oops, there was Gai sensei having his morning tan, not a sight you'd want to greet.

Ah…he's wearing his rainbow spandex.

Naruto clumped back into his loft shuddering, and ate a simple breakfast (caviar), and grabbed his toothbrush, brushing enthusiastically. He did this every morning in the middle of his living room, contemplating on what to write next, the plots for his stories… (He's written 21 stories, but all of them were less than 50 words and involved him marrying a pretty girl by beating Sasuke/pervert hermit)

Right…what next?

Naruto was all set for doing his morning calisthenics—beat the shit out of the fake Kakashi sensei puppet made out of straw—when an unearthly noise rumbled from somewhere close…nope, closer…getting closer.

The door suddenly crashed down.

There was Sasuke standing in front the door, looking absolutely livid, his face a not-so-delicate shade of mauve from raggedy breathing. His right fist was balled up, obviously having been used to unceremoniously break into Naruto's house…his left hand was cradling a now too familiar ominous contraption—the laptop.

Naruto blinked once, the toothbrush sticking stupidly out of his mouth. Okay, what could the dobe possibly want… number one, his toothbrush? His…his circlet? His…kyuubi?

His secret scroll of harem jutsus?!

Naruto took a protective stance, his arm extending towards the little cupboard where he kept his "over 21, hard core harem special jutsu book"…and his frog wallet. He could take Sasuke stealing his money, but he could not stand the dobe taking his harem jutsus. The damn guy was popular enough without the skills…

"Stop looking stupid with that toothbru…why the hell are you crouching?! Stand up and look at this shit dammit!! "

Sasuke thrust the laptop—he'd probably taken it from the rec hall again, like users frequently did though it drove Jiraiya mad—towards Naruto and snarled with fury. Naruto blinked twice and with trembling hands, took the laptop and started reading.

------

163. **Konoha Harem Fantasia** by **Mike** reviews

Naru X Sasu X Gaa X Ita X Shika X Kaka X Iru X Neji… come and get some. More crack couples included inside.

Fiction rated: MA –English- Romance/Adult –Chapters 1- Words: 393 Reviews: 16

----

Mike again.

"WHAT the FUGG ish THISTH??! "

"IT'S WHAT I WANT TO ASK DOBE!! "  
Sasuke exploded, hollering fit to match Naruto's moan of horror. Unfortunately, Naruto's mouth had been full of toothpaste at the time, and the laptop screen was covered in white spit drops.

Grimacing, Sasuke grabbed Naruto's shirt and rubbed the screen clean.

"Hey! That's my lucky shirt! "

"Good for you; what are you, like two? Now read this… that other story we made Jiraiya erase was NOTHING compared to this ATROCITY!! "

With a blank mushroom face, Sasuke thrust the screen at Naruto once more angrily, causing him to bang his face on the screen and leave a…

"Grease smudge?! Do you fucking wash your fucking face fucking at all?! "

"…hey! I brush my teeth! Everyday!! "

Grumbling, Naruto erased the grease smudge and peered into the screen.

Enter, Konoha Harem Fantasia.

------

**Konoha Harem Fantasia** by Mike

The day was nearing its end, and the men were resting in their lofts.

The fireflies drew closer to the shimmering candle lights, dangerously close, illuminating the darkness with its blinking natural scintillation.

The harem was not always this beautiful, however, this night called for some festivities, for it had been such a long time since Sasuke had joined them in their everyday lives of pure bliss. And it was without a doubt, that Naruto was ecstatic.

Room 305 was alight, with both elation and a hundred candles.

"It feels so good to have you back…"

Naruto burrowed his corn silk hair into Sasuke's bare back, his hands encircling the waist almost desperately. Sasuke responding back leaning, and throwing his arms back until his hands found his mate's bowed face.

"Turn around. I want to see you. "

Naruto grinned, convinced that he was happier at this moment than he had ever been. He rose and lifted his face, only to find Sasuke's right in front of his. They both smiled, arms entangled…the silhouette just outside their room suggested more intimacy, but now moving onto the next door, room 306.

Shikamaru laid on the mat, lazily turning to face Neji who lay next to him with an intent look on his face, trying to peak inside what lay beneath the black robes. Shikamaru grinned and in one languid motion, slung his arm around the concentrating Neji.

"It's nearing midnight. Take a rest. You'll see everything anyways. "

"With you next to me, I'm always resting. "

A breathy sigh concluded the end of the evening as Shikamaru raised a hand to turn down the lights. As the room dimmed, he felt Neji's hand grabbing the clothes and jerking it off. Thus goes the climax of room 306.

Next room, 307.

Kakashi rested his palm on Iruka's forehead, bending just enough to whisper into his sleeping mate's ears: "Wake up. "

Iruka did not open his eyes, but proceeded to nod the slightest bit while he dozed on. Smiling like a father eyeing his son, Kakashi knelt down next to Iruka's stretched out body and ran his hand down the cloth, rubbing against the bare skin of his back. Iruka's eyes snapped open and he turned over, flushed.

Kakashi dropped his hand down and slowly pushed Iruka back down, his head bending down to…

-------

No one went much further than that.

-----

Reviews: 

DangoAnko: Oh sweet jesus, this is the best yaoi I've read so far! You go Mike!

DoubleTchan: …I am faving this. You can't judge me by it; I'm a girl damn it!

PinkCutezBlossom: Well said like a true girl! But why does Sasuke have to be paired with Naruto? I mean, uh… do you ever do straight couples? Hint hint.

ISeeThroughClothes: I DON'T SEE THROUGH CLOTHES!!!

DaHokake: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

KillBBro: It's what I meant to say dobe!!

HaremKonoha: HAhahahahahahhaha Naruto ni-chan is gay gay gay, and Iruka sensei too!!

Troublesome: Fuck.

WindFanTem: Mike, you must be ready to die.

PaperFlower: Do you have any intentions of writing Akatsuki fanfics? Just asking.

ArtisticAtomicBomb: Konan…you don't dare.

AngryBlueFish: Oh yeah, Deidara, cuz we all know who you'd be paired with… TOBI, ahahahah….

Iruka: …me? With Kakashi… oh no, Tenten you're NOT faving this!! And Neji! Naruto! Sasuke! Shikamaru! Sakura!...Konohamaru?!! You guys are all underage!! What are you doing reading M rated stories?!

Ichamylife: …sigh. At least I had the lead.

PerservereX100: Why is Neji paired and I'm not?! Is it because he is stronger?!

IceFlowerIno: Well, you see Lee, I think mike was afraid to pair you with Gai sensei… I mean, come on.

-----

16 reviews. A record.

"dssdf?!!! Ahahahahhahaah…."

Back in his hotel loft, Jiraiya was letting rip with his laughter while a few other complainers surrounded him with a grim look on their faces.

The complainers included: obviously, the bland irritated Shikamaru, the disbelieving I-see-through-clothes Neji, the annoyed but humored Kakashi and embarrassed through and through (The children! The children!) blushing Iruka,…but strangely enough, not Gaara or Itachi (Naruto and Sasuke was still back at home, bickering.)

Jiraiya was half unconscious from lack of breath—his laughing spasm did not subside for at least twenty minutes…until Shikamaru pointedly prodded him and made him read the next few lines, his bland face marred only by the angry creases on his forehead.

"Orochimaru was massaging his old pal Jiraiya with coconut oil, taking care to rub extra hard on the b…SupercaliFUCKailisticexpealidocious!!! "

Neji thumped Jiraiya on his back; he had chocked on his own saliva.

Flagging…was not enough.

Jiraiya decided to contact the FF's site's management.

"I want this…Mike on my desk, IMMEDIATELY!! I WILL KILL HIM, I WILL SLICE HIM UP AND DICE HIM AND EAT HIM WITH WASABI!!! I WILL MAKE OROCHI JACKSON FRENCH KISS HIM FROM INSIDE OUT!!!! "

After that incoherent string of empty threats, Shikamaru pointed out again with his customary bland manner:

"Uh…what if this Mike…is a girl? "

Iruka suddenly shook his head, as if he was hearing for the first time, that the world was not filled with good guys and that superman wore his underwear on top of his spandex.

"A girl? A girl with a perverted sick mind, evil enough to create this monstrosity? Oh sure, absolutely…absolutely NOT! I swear, Nara-kun, only men can have as mind adulterated and putrefied such as the one that had produced this c…"

Kakashi stuffed a sake bottle, gently, into Iruka's lecturing mouth and nodded towards the younger boy. Shikamaru continued.

"Y'know, like in the normal world out of ours, I've heard quite a few number of girls enjoy this particular… genre known as…what the hell was that called? "

"Yaoi. "

Jiraiya suddenly intervened, nodding gravely. He should know; he was not unfamiliar to FF's bounty of fandom, and a substantial amount of that was indeed, yaoi.

Everyone in the room made a sick face, grimacing at each other until they recalled what was written in the story and quickly averted eyes, swearing and projectile vomiting.

---

(Bloodiedsugs's words on HTWFF-

Merry late late Christmas!

Consider the (slightly) fast update as a present ^^

…and a happy new year everybody!

PS: It's getting damn harder to create something funny… must mean either that this is coming to an end, or I just have to try harder than 30 minutes. Ah.

PPS: One thing about writing those…unctuous fanfics inside my fanfic. I get goosebumps and feel like hitting myself. I mean, I'm writing that crap.

PPPS: No, I don't count the letters lol. The program does it for me, all you have to do is press the button that says count letters.

Bear with me)


	12. Are you Mike?

**---**

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 12: Are you Mike? **

**----**

The cool wind subsided to the slightly— but only remotely so—warmth of spring as the year 2009 rolled around in the streets of Konoha village, replacing 2008 with the horrors of the last fanfic to have been submitted—Mike's.

It was barely 6 am, and the only person that was outside in the main streets was Iruka. He was holding a bundle of small gifts for his pupils to take during the morning classes, always the thoughtful teacher. And always the prudent chaste one too—the gifts were extra-large pepper spray for girls and strawberry flavored condoms for guys.

Don't ask.

"Ah…Jiraiya san! Happy new year! "

Spotting Jiraiya approaching with a slightly forlorn look, Iruka smiled heartily and waved, one arm still bundled around the package of gifts. Jiraiya looked up with surprise, than narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

"Don't you 'Happy new year' me, Iruka… Are you Mike?! God, you must be Mike! You're being too polite!! "

Note to Jiraiya—Iruka sensei is always polite.

Hence, his indignation about that little outburst.

"What?!! W…Why am I Mike? I was one of the victims, if I should remind you!! "

Iruka defended himself resentfully, outraged that Jiraiya should ruin his 'that crazy fanfic was last year's thing, so don't bring up the subject' mood. Jiraiya did not offer an apology but merely looked, if that was even possible, more suspicious. He spoke carefully, improvising as he went:

"You must have wanted to be paired with Kakashi! Yes, that must be the reason! But you couldn't write only about you two… that would create a buzz…so you wrote about a whole bunch of people!! "

Iruka almost got out the giant pepper spray and chucked the can at Jiraiya, but in his confusion, he got out instead the pack of strawberry colored party-theme condoms.

This did not go down well with Jiraiya.

"Ah!! Gotcha! So you were going to visit Kakas…"

"NO!!! HELL NO!!! "

Iruka barked and stomped the pack of condoms to the ground—Konohamaru will not be receiving his portion of the gift it seems. Jiraiya eyed this outburst with beady eyes, and continued with a glint:

"A strong no means a yes…"

"Don't you dare fling idioms at me; I'm being COMPLETELY RATIONAL HERE!!! "

"Do you have…growing feelings for him?...I mean as a colleague, you m…"

"You will be the death of me, you pervert icha man!! It is YOU who brought the laptops into our world…it's all YOUR FAUL… "

Suddenly, a window opened and an ominous ten inch stiletto flew out, landing on Jiraiya's head with a plunk. An all too familiar voice rang out, slightly slurred by the influence of sake:

"Shut up you lot!! It's Christmas eve, and I need my beauty sleep for 2009!! "

Jiraiya and Iruka both stared at each other in apparent surprise, their conflict forgotten.

The Godaime's biological clocked must be running a few days late…

Spluttering in subdued laughter, they parted and went on their ways, Iruka to school and Jiraiya to the now infamous rec hall.

But the suspicion was only beginning.

-----

For some reason, no one was sitting at the laptop section.

Normally, you'd be lucky to even get a chance at writing after waiting three hours since so many shinobis ignored the rule about "don't take the laptops out of the rec hall"…even Jiraiya himself took it out once in a while. But it was uncanny; no one seemed to be writing at all.

Jiraiya soon found out why.

"…You go on and write. Uh…I'll be playing ping pong here with Kisame. "

"Nah, Zetsu….hey, wait. You're trying to 'get' me to write so I'll be framed!! …Are you Mike? "

"What?! An insult!! As if I'd stoop that low to write about the icky love scenes between useless Konoha weaklings… "

And yet another conversation:

"Hey Anko san! Did Mike update yet? "

"Sorry Sakura, hon. I think Mike's a little scared at the moment….Are you Mike? "

"'Wish' I was. Then I'd get to enjoy my writing 'all day long'… "

And yet another…:

"Are you Mike?!! Oh god YES, you are Mike, Kakashi!! I see through you!! "

"Gai…really, you need to stop. "

But Gai did not stop. He was in his rainbow mood.

"Do you have feelings for Iruka?! Well I do too!! More and better than you!! "

Or maybe LSD mood. Cloud nine. Pretty place with flowers.

"…Jesus Christ, fine. Go ahead. "

It seemed a lot of people were paranoid about FF, and everyone was wondering: "Who the hell is Mike? "

The buzz around the identity of Bob was nothing compared to this—Bob turned out to be Kimimaro anyways, natch—because as much as some residents of Konoha loathed him, some actually adored his writings.

"Hey people, this is completely ridiculous…"

After a full morning of "Are you Mike? ", a frustrated Kiba spoke up.

"We're all suspicious of each other! Mike maybe is laughing among us…but maybe he isn't! I say have a vote. "

"Are you mike? "

Hidan piped up. Kiba scowled.

"…exactly my point. Everyone agree to the vote? "

Pairs of eyes stared at him, until someone else spoke up:

"Nah, what if before we vote or anything like that, we eliminate some of the people from the list of suspects. "

Shikamaru spoke thoughtfully, eyeing some of the people in the room. Spluttering, Kankuro intervened.

"Oi, who gave you the authority…and besides, why should we leave out anyone? We're all suspects here…"

"There's some obvious exceptions. "

"…like? "

Before Shikamaru could continue, Sasuke spat out:

"Naruto, for example. One reason; he can't write. "

A few chuckles resonated round the room, and Naruto puffed up.

"Hey!! I can writ…"

"Shut up dobe, you're excluded from the suspects, that oughta make you happy. "

Shikamaru acknowledged that with a nod, then continued after a second's contemplation.

"Oh, and Orochimaru. "

"Eh? Why the hell is he an exception?! He's one of our prime suspects! "

Neji spluttered out in indignation. He was still going through the trauma of the story—and lo and behold, Shikamaru thankfully seemed to have forgotten—and was determined to suss out the 'criminal'.

Raising two hands in the air lazily, Shikamaru explained:

"Snake dude always ends his 'S' with an annoying 'ssssss'…but you don't see Mike doing that. Plus, I don't see Mike being a pedophile, at least that goes for him. "

The people in the meeting room guffawed, and someone even shouted "Go Mike! "

Seeing two people already gone form the list of suspects, more and more people started to chirp out prospects:

"Hinata, no way she's Mike; I doubt she even knows how babies are made. "

Another round of splutters, and Hinata turned into a vibrantly colored tomato.

Konohamaru looked up expectantly, a mock-angelic expression on his face.

"How are babies made? "

Jiraiya jeered at him.

"You be quiet kid, and make this easy for us. "

Konohamaru glowered, pouting.

"You're uglier than my grandpa, and that's saying something. "

"…well you're uglier than Naruto, kid, now shush. "

The list of suggestions went on…forever:

"Tobi! He can't have written that… I mean, if he wrote anything yaoi, it would be solely about dear Deidar…"

"I will explode your bed if you dare continue…"

"Choji can't have written that…if Choji wrote a pervert fanfic, it would be about jelly buns making out with an underage donut. "

"Ah, Lee couldn't have written that! When he writes something, every sentence ends in an exclamation point…as some of us remember, ain't that right? "

"Sakura can't write that; if she had, she'd have never paired Sasuke up with Naruto. "

"Kisame can't write, he's a frickin' merman! With a weird shape on his butt! "

"Tsunade san, I mean the Godaime probably didn't write this… I live with her you know, and whenever she reads something like this, she screams than drinks forty bottles of sake in one go…"

"Iruka sensei's so prudent, he'd never write this… I believe he doesn't believe in sex before marriage. "

"Itachi has an eye fetish; if he wrote this, it would all be about eyes. "

"Pein's only interested in piercing; I doubt he'd fancy writing much…"

"Haku only writes about Zabuza…"

"Neji can see through clothes!!! Hahaha… "

"HANABI!!!"

"A…Akamaru can't have written anything! …I think."

Everyone turned back to look at Kiba incredulously.

"DUH."

Things quieted down after that, and Shikamaru turned to face the crowd.

"Hmm…that leaves us with the last prime suspect…"

Everyone turned back to look at Jiraiya.

"ME?! Why me?! "

Looking weary as if he was tired out already, Shikamaru sighed audibly, then spoke, the words flowing articulately:

"Uh…first of all, you're the one who's most an expert on FF. We all come to you when we don't know things. Secondly, you're already an accomplished pervert writer…it wouldn't be too hard for you to conjure up something. Especially something like this. Third of all, you introduced the laptop to us; perhaps you were looking for a way to test your stories out without revealing who you were. Like in a anonymous writer contest; you don't get credit, but you get to see the reviews.. so perhaps you're developing skills or new plotlines in your Icha books. Fourth of all, really, you're among the small batch of adults left after the elimination, and I believe all my other reasons should back the argument well enough. "

He finished, took a deep breath, and frowned with a look that clearly read, "I can't believe how much trouble I went to speaking".

Temari was looking proudly at Shikamaru with a look that read, "That's my man; look but don't touch. "

This was the fist time Jiraiya resented a kid for being so logical…damn IQs…

-----

(bloodiedsugs's words on HTWFF—

Lol… Happy (late) new year!!

I've still been busy like hell… but I tried having this up faster than I planned.

Ah… sorry there's no fanfic up here this time, but I should think the stupid banters make up for it somehow…lol

Bear with me.

For another year. Lol)


	13. Escapade Extravaganza

**---**

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 13: Escapade Extravaganza**

**----**

"Oh no…no, no…NO!! Why are you all staring at me that way?! "

Jiraiya flailed his arms miserably at the crowd that was gathering in a circle around him, completely trapping him and precariously on the whim of engulfing him. Neji growled in response, his byakugan released:

"Because, you wrote ….'that'. Cause you, are, Mike!! "

"I'm NOT!! "

Jiraiya moaned as more and more people eyed him contemptuously…with the exception of the few girls who completely were in awe; there stood the man who'd written the masterpiece. How inspiring.

Iruka sensei, buoyed by fury that Jiraiya had tried to make it seem as if 'he' was Mike, stood fast against the legendary sannin and confronted him with uncharacteristic bitterness:

"I believe you're the only one left, Jiraiya. The only one that is 'resourceful' and 'knowledgeable' enough to have written this atrocity…now you shall reap what you've sown!! "

"Get him!!!

"Make him EAT a laptop!! "

"Oh shitty!!! "

Jiraiya flung himself out of the rec hall's window—it was complete chaos inside, with Hidan brandishing his scythe, Gai romping in his rainbow spandex, Neji breaking everything he could in sight, and Orochimaru secretly groping people amidst the mayhem, Konan's paper billowing everywhere…—and proceeded to dash towards the direction of his sanctuary. 'Not' the hotel, for it was obvious people will come looking for him there…

The place he was actually headed to, was the Godaime's office.

Instead of flitting into the window as he usually did, he ran up the stairs and started banging on the door. If he'd come through the window, someone might have seen him, so it was best to…

"Tsunadeeee!! Open up, hurry!! I'm being chased!! "

Damn the woman; she had double-locked the door for some unknown reason. From inside the room, Tsunade's soused voice floated out, complete with a set of hiccoughs to every sentence she belched out.

"….hic…chased? Har har, I doubt anyone would wish to chase 'you'…I mean, hic. "

"I said, OPEN UP WOMAN!! "

"Don't you 'dare'…hic…shout!! I'm having a migr…headac—hic. "

Tsunade opened up the door grumpily, and the smell of sake hit Jiraiya full on the face. She must have been drinking endlessly since "Christmas". But never mind that.

Jiraiya hurriedly double-locked the door and pulled up chairs against it. After he'd done so, he also plucked a couple of vases from various spots in the office and piled them on top of the chairs. He slid onto the floor in relief after he was done.

When he looked up, Tsunade was grinning down at him holding the biggest fucking kunai he'd ever seen.

"Whaddafugh?! That's the biggest fucking kunai I've ever seen…Tsunade, why are y…"

"Like-hic-it? I had it…hic…specially made. For you. "

Jiraiya was perplexed.

"…me? "

Tsunade suddenly smiled with radiance that equaled an innocent baby and raised the kunai up above her head in the manner of an axe murderer.

"To SLAUGHTER you with!!!! HOW DARE YOU SHAME KONOHA LIKE THIS!! DAMN MIKE!!??!?! "

Ah. So Tsunade heard the news?

"Holy….ARHgghh!! "

Jiraiya attempted to remove the various chairs and vases he had placed in front of the padlocked door, but Tsunade was too fast. The only thing that was saving him was her poor aim; she was so drunk she kept slicing open her desk, screaming in delight, "How do you like that?!! "

While Tsunade was attacking her own dresser—"Ha!! You can't escape ME Jiraiya!!! "—the real Jiraiya discreetly clambered out of the window, and came face to face with Kakashi.

Oh darn great, his biggest 'fan' Kakashi.

"Kakashi, you will help me. "

"Eh? "

Kakashi seemed to have missed out on all the news. He was calmly rereading for the thousandth time, a tattered copy of Icha Icha Paradise, his body stretched out lazily on the roof. He eyed Jiraiya's heaving body with apparent curiosity.

"What happened to you, Jiraiya san? You look as if…you've encountered Gai practicing yoga. "

"N…no…'much' worse. "

There was suddenly a "TAKE THIS FIEND OF KONOHA!! " from inside the Godaime's office, and Kakashi flinched in alarm.

"W…what's up with hokage sama? "

Jiraiya shuddered in fear and grabbed Kakashi's collar in desperation.

"Listen Kakashi, you need to help me!! All these people suddenly…they suddenly think I'm Mike!! "

"…oh? "

A new light entered Kakashi's face as he pocketed the copy of his beloved book and bored down on Jiraiya with a vein throbbing in his temple. He had suddenly straightened up, his muscles pulled taut. His voice was dangerously low, he spoke.

"…are you Mike? "

Jiraiya exploded.

"NOOOoo!!!!! For Kyuubi's sake, NO!! "

"Prove it. "

"Jesus Kakashi!! "

Jiraiya was dismayed. His only hope was dashed. Kakashi was already pulling up his circlet to reveal his sharingan, and Jiraiya was pissed as hell.

"Look, I'm really telling the god's truth Kakashi…I'll, I'll bargain with you if you help!! "

"…depends on what you bargain. "

Kakashi was still in his stance, his eyes glowering at the frustrated Jiraiya. Jiraiya, exasperated, let out a gusty sigh.

"I will give you the unreleased chapter of Icha Icha Paralympics… and in this chapter, they, the threesome, are trapped inside… a sequoia tree!! "

Jiraiya did not even have to gesticulate grandly—Kakashi jumped to attendance, his normally languid movement honed needle sharp. He still was slightly suspicious, but never mind that. Wow, a new 'unreleased' chapter of Icha Icha Paralympics?!

Goody goody.

----

"Okay peeps!! I say we arrange a committee to find this 'outlaw'...and punish him!! "

"HELL YEAH!! "

There was a huge crowd gathering in front of the rec hall. Shikamaru stood next to the shouting Neji, organizing the list of people's name to form search teams. Orochimaru was standing next to him, whispering, "Pair me with Sasssssssuke. "

"Okay...very good, very good. But we need a name for this mission, I call it S rank!! This is very important alright? "

Kiba was yelling at the top of his voice, face turning crimson in his efforts. Ino shook her head quietly and whispered to Sakura:

"Man, those guys are incensed! I personally don't see any problem with the story. Or with Mike. "

"Me neither girl, me neither. "

There was a vote for the name of the mission, and once it was chosen, Shikamaru handed out slips of paper indicating which search team you were placed at. Twenty meters away, Sasuke was groaning, "Fuck, I'm paired with the worst dobes ever."

Operation 'FIND MIKE' (it was originally KILL MIKE, but it was denied for they wanted to torture Jiraiya before killing him off) begins.

---

(Operation 'FIND MIKE'—team numero 1: Kiba, Shino, Tenten, Hinata

"Where 'is' the damned pervert hermit?! "

Kiba, gasping for air, emerged from the village's sewage system, spitting out various odd objects such as a sake bottle and a toy kunai.

"Well…we did advise you, Kiba, to not go in…there. "

"Y…yes Kiba kun. You smell dreadful. "

Tenten stood from the edge of the bank with Hinata. Both were holding their noses.

Suddenly, another head emerged from the spot next to Kiba, his head breaking apart the thick gooey sewage water in wide ripples. He spoke in an austere manner.

"We searched everywhere. But he can't be found. "

"Ugh…Shino, we warned you too! Kiba was enough for that 'expedition'…now both of you smell like poo. "

Shino looked up at Tenten with a defiant expression, his glasses stained with…poo.

"I came with Kiba, because 'that' is true teamwork. And teamwork is 'extremely' important…am I not right, kiba? "

Instead if nodding along, Kiba shuddered and inched away from Shino's spot.

"GAH…don't you dare come near me or stare at me in that manner Shino!! It reminds me of…we HAVE to find MIKE DAMMIT!! "

Guess who Kiba was paired with?

---

(Operation 'FIND MIKE'—team numero 2: Gai, Lee, Neji, Haku

"I will find Mike faster than you do, Neji. Get ready. "

"Thaaaat's the spirit, Lee! Let's march on kiddies!! "

Neji slapped his palm against his face and groaned; how kind of Shikamaru to pair him up with these fools…and that Haku kid was not much help either. He was wandering around with a lost look on his pretty pretty face, murmuring:

"Where art thou Zabuza sama? This is your Haku. "

Cuckoo, more like.

---

(Operation 'FIND MIKE' –team numero 3: Hidan, Deidara, Kisame, Tobi

"This is ridiculous! The Akatsuki…being ordered around to look for some pervert-ass hermit?! Completely atrocious! "

Deidara was fuming, his golden locks flinging side to side and he stomped on. Hidan rolled his eyes as he sporadically cut down tree with his scythe.

"Shuddup, you old bugger. If I remember correctly, Deidara, 'you' were the one who was excited to come to Konoha, because you wanted write a stupid love story about art…'which' turned out to be a damn excuse for blowing up bunks. "

Deidara flinched; that was a very sensitive spot.

"How DARE you Hidan?! Would you like to return to nothingness?! "

Tobi suddenly brightened, noticing two figures that were running across the forest.

"Eh… I believe that's Jiraiya over there…"

But noone was listening to Tobi.

"Now, listen to me you old fart! I don't recall 'me' begging Pein to, "oh can we please with a cherry on top, go to Konoha so we can waste our time? " Deidara, you sicken me. Am I not right, Kisame?! "

Kisame grunted.

"What do I know, I'm a merman. "

"Well anyhow, what I think is that 'you' are a childish know-nothing prat!! "

Tobi tried once more.

"Uh…guys? I really think we found Jiraiya…he's there running with Kakashi…guys? "

"Shut up Tobi, no one's cares! Now, Hidan. If 'I' recall correctly, you were really enthusiastic on writing about how you adore cosplaying as…as a friggin skeleton!! "

"AT LEAST, I DON'T GO AROUND BLOWING UP THINGS FOR FUN!! "

"IT'S FOR FRIGGIN ART, DAMN YOU!!! "

"…forget it guys, they're gone. "

Goody.

---

(bloodiedsugs's words on HTWFF—

Lol… sorry it's been so long, I completely forgot!!

LMAO I had so much fun writing this one… sorry to disappoint you guys; Jiraiya is NOT Mike. O.o dun dun dun… lol

Sorry the story's completely gone off trail…instead of the 'characters writing fanfic' type of storyline I used to have, it's now a 'crack mixed with a whole lot of make-me-feel-good gas' story. Ha.

It's a relief to write this after so many…depressing or serious stories =) hope you enjoyed it.

Bear with me.)


	14. Wake me up when I'm the Seme

**---**

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 14: Wake me up when I'm the seme **

**----**

While everyone was out and about, searching for the "that son of a fucking good writer/ satan himself," Anko positioned herself in the almost empty rec hall, yawning. Beside her was Sakura, her 'gal pal' of the moment, united in the fact that they both adored Mike/Jiraiya's yaoi fantasia galore.

She clicked through with a bored look on her face until she came across something new.

"Hey… look, a new story! Weird though, everyone's out and there no one here but you and me."

Blink blink?

And then a second later.

"…oh my galoshes, it's Mike! "

------

164. **Konoha Harem Fantasia** by **Mike** reviews

Naru X Sasu X Gaa X Ita X Shika X Kaka X Iru X Neji… come and get some. More crack couples included inside.

Fiction rated: MA –English- Romance/Adult –Chapters 2- Words: 150 Reviews: 17

----

What the fuggly?

"…This is weird. Jiraiya can't be sitting somewhere and typing up a story… everyone's out there looking for him. "

"…does that mean…Jiraiya's not Mike? "

The girls stared blankly at each other.

"…oh what the hell, LET'S ENJOY!! "

Both girls clicked the story like mad-_._

-----

**Konoha Harem Fantasia** by **Mike**

(Chapter two)

Kakashi stretched out on the couch, his hand thrust upon his face. It had been a tiring day, and all he wanted was to rest—

"…Kakashi? "

He immediately removed his hand from his eyes.

"Is it a bad time? You look tired..."

There was a sight he'd never miss, even if he was tired and overwrought—Iruka just out of the showers, looking pretty innocent except for that loosely tied towel hitched on his bare body. He approached Kakashi with lines of concern creasing up his forehead—then he stopped mid step, looking abashed.

"Well…I…I'll go change an…"

"No. Come here. "

Kakashi raised himself from the couch and reached out for Iruka, a meaningful smile playing around his lips. Droplets of water soaked the carpet with every step Iruka took, but no one cared about that, not when he had his hair down and face slightly turned sideways, a ghost of a blush creeping up his face. He looked perfect.

"…can you make my day? "

"…what?"

Kakashi did not wait for an answer. He roughly pushed his roommate on the couch, in the exact spot he himself had been laying seconds before. Iruka didn't resist, but merely looked up into Kakashi's eyes, his hands unmoving even though the towel was unraveling. In fact, his hands could not be moved; they were pinned down by Kakashi's slightly larger ones. Another leg shifted up and kneeled, the couch creaking to accomodate the newcomer.

"Please. Make my day. "

Reviews: 

AnkoDango: OH PURE PURE GENIUS, you brilliant brilliant writer!

PinkCutezBlossom: Bring on the YAOI!! YEAH! Simply can't believe I'm salivating over a love story of my teachers…!!

---

"Ooohy… this is such yaoi goodness… "

Sakura drooled happily. Anko confirmed by elatedly waltzing around the room propping a broom against her bosom that she pretended was Kakashi. That fanfiction was surely giving her ideas..........about a threesome!

"But this is odd… "

Sakura mumured, scratching her bubblegum pink hair.

"We confiscated that laptop from Jiraiya…and all the rest of the computers are here! "

The girls blinked at each other.

"…Mike isn't Jiraiya!! "

-----------

(somewhere in Konoha…lol)

_Tap tap tap_

Meanwhile, Kakashi and Jiraiya had finally escaped the throngs of hyperactive homicidal teams and were heading for the main gates.

"…You really had better give me the promised the copy of the Icha Icha Paralympics…this whole running business is giving me a headache. "

"As soon as we reach the pearly gates, I promise! "

"Good g…hey! "

But as they were hacking through the bushes, a figure suddenly popped out from nowhere in front of them with his back turned.

With the last thread of his instant reflex, Kakashi grabbed Jiraiya and threw—yes, actually threw—him up the trees—all 100kg of him (his hair weighs 10kg)—so that he was out of sight. He positioned himself in a casual stroll so that whoever that was in front of him would think he had been taking a walk alone. Smart move.

But that person turned out to be…

"Who's there?!! I will spray—I will spray!! "

Iruka madly brandished the pepper spray straight into the face of the man behind him, the giant red can making srghshhhh noises as its owner shook it. He took it down immediately though when he saw who it was.

"…...oh. Kakashi. "

"Well… Iruka. "

How awkward.

The last time they uttered each other's name like that was in Mike's fanfiction, where they were doing what a husband and a wife does in cocktail hours—except that in this case, the wife was a man. And colleagues walking around naked, too, adding to the whole weirdness.

Kakashi desperately motioned with his right feet to Jiraiya up in the trees—run now, fucking run before he sprays you and cut your manliness off—and scratched his head awkwardly.

Why couldn't he have met some other random person? Why Iruka?

"I assume you're on the search for…Mike? "

"…yes. Jiraiya, you mean. "

"Mm. "

The silence stretched on. Endlessly.

Kakashi literally felt the ache to move on out of this place.

"Well, ah… I'll be going now. "

"Huh? …oh yes. Yes. "

"Good luck on the search…"

"Yes….yes. "

They promptly starting walking away as if a spring was attached to their feet, but five steps into the walk Iruka turned back and spoke darkly, his demeanor rather grim.

"There is one thing you know, that I cannot truly forgive Jiraiya for. "

Kakashi blinked, alarmed that Iruka should even mention what he was pissed at. Actually, he was amazed Iruka still had the guts to talk to him after reading that…thing.

He asked casually:

"…the whole pairing up with me thing? "

"No. "

Hm. Surprising. Iruka was normally so prim and chaste that Kakashi often wondered if he still was a virgin. Well he hasn't hit forty yet thank god.

"Then what is it? "

Kakashi was taken aback.

He assumed the prudent Iruka was pissed as hell about being paired up with the third supposedly most pervert man in Konoha after Jiraiya and Naruto (Naruto being the sole underage person in the list)…but he was angry about something else? What could it be?

The whole painfully descriptive blowjob portrayal?

"I cannot believe…."

Iruka began.

Kakashi gave his whole undivided attention, despite himself. What could Iruka possibly be pissed at other than that? But again, he was so prudent that it wasn't surprising that there might be some other thing.

"You cannot believe what?"

There drops the bomb.

"…that I wasn't the lead. "

Uh…..what?

"HA! "

From somewhere above rang Jiraiya's giant snort of laughter—he had meant to go far, but could not help himself from butting in and eavesdropping on this wonderful conversation.

Iruka fumed when he spotted the hermit up on the tree in a spasm of hysterics. He started to sprint up the tree but he was held back by the incredulous and flabbergasted Kakashi, who was spluttering:

"….y…lead…Iruka? Lead? With me?! "

Iruka indignantly turned back and shouted:

"Well why not?! Every stupid fanfiction writer has me down as the uke when they pair you up with me…"

"THERE ARE MORE…?!! "

"…and why can't I be the seme for once? Huh? What do 'you' have, Kakashi, that makes you so masculine, so damn manly that you 'always' get to be on the top and me on the botto…"

"You're… SUPPOSED to be THE PRUDENT ONE!! DAMN YOU!! "

Kakashi jumped away from Iruka's wrath and hollered back, his mask almost falling off from his sudden movement. Spotting this, Iruka suddenly calmed down and asked:

"Also, one more thing. Are you really as good looking inside there as all the writers claim you are? Because I really p…"

Kakashi's reaction?

"GYAH!—even the Icha Icha isn't worth this!!! "

He raised his leg and kicked the tree frantically. Jiraiya fell like a pile of bricks, still on the throes of his hysterics, partially marred by the odd words spurting out of his mouth:

"Y…you hehehehe, betrayed, hahahah, me—Kakashi! Hihihihihi—IRUKA LOVES YOUuuu OH LA DI DAH! ~living la vida loca!! "

"Take him away, he's Mike. "

Hehe.

* * *

(bloodiedsug's words on HTWFF-

Well this load of crack is back. Lol.

(sorry about the LATE LATE update…but I did update, right? …right? Lol)

And it's going down a creaky path. Good bye to Iruka's chastity—…belt! (just jk lol)

PS: and the mystery continues~ who the hell is Mike?!!

Bear with me)


	15. I'm so so very sorry

**HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION**

**Chappie numero 15: I'm so so very sorry**

* * *

The rec hall was a mess. Too many angry pissed as hell people were squished within a tiny space, and in the middle of all...lay Jiraiya. These people were near ready to kill the guy, and Sakura and Ino stood by the sidelines with a queasy face.

"Just kill him and get it over with!"

"Rock him down with the laptops!"

The two girls eyed each other with an uh-oh; should they mention Mike wasn't Jiraiya, or should they let the mob have its fun?

Neji suddenly raised his arms in attempt to calm the mob down.

"Look people, let's settle this in a pleasant, civilized manner. We're mild mannered level headed Konohanians, no?"

Kiba grimaced at the name as someone in the audience attempted to stifle a snort. (cough Hidan cough)

"Konohanians? That is such a gay nam-"

"Shut up dog lover."

Having stuffed dog food in Kiba's mouth, Neji regaled his audience with a shit eating smile. He looked down upon Jiraiya with a gentle, benevolent, kind, merciful, all-forgiving look-which contrasted with the words that flew out of his mouth.

"Let's chop off his balls."

Jiraiya dry-heaved.

"'That's' your idea of pleasant and civilized...?"

"At least...hic, it's not a part of your body you use on a regular basis, no? HA!"

Tsunade suddenly materialized in front of Jiraiya, gloriously dunk, brandishing the biggest fucking kunai in the world she had in chappie 13. Even as he trembled at the sight of her, he was indignant at the blatant lash on his manhood. He pushed aside a few 'Konohanians' as he stood and vented:

"Are you calling me a virgin? I should remind you, that I'm quite a lady's man! Before I begin writing my books, I always cavort with my gorgeous-"

"-right hand. Yes, yes, we ALL know. Don't remind me."

She pinned the poor man down with her left leg and held the blade up, directing it at his private area. He would have broken free, had it not been for the Godaime's alcohol infused super strength. The men cringed, and everybody held their breath.

"Here we stand-hic- to annihilate the cause for all this...this brouhaha...haha...hahahahahaha hihihihihihi-hic"

Chuckling hysterically, she raised her hands high above her head. The kunai was about to hit target when the main doors and a small boy ambled in with a laptop tucked into his left armpit.

"Why is it so noisy in here?"

Iruka dove in front of the godaime, hiding from young Konohamaru's eyes, the biggest fucking kunai in the world attacking the smallest fucking...well, we wouldn't know that would we.

"We're having an adult situation here, my dear Konohamaru. Which reminds me, out underage kittens, OUT I say!"

Iruka brought out the biggest fucking pepper spray in the world and sprayed pepper at the 'underage' bunch. Shino with his sunglasses remained unhurt but many were rolling around in pain, covering their eyes as a desperate Itachi wailed-"Not Sasuke's eyes!" Gaara attempted to maintain his stoic face, but the whites of his eyeballs were turning red and a telltale vein jumped on his forehead. Naruto bawled. Choji ate his pepper tears as he cried.

Sakura, with mascara tears streaming from her eyes, shrieked at the perpetrator:

"Oh for the love of Kyuubi- it's not Jiraiya! Seriously people! "

Immensely pissed and with panda eyes, Ino backed her up as she wailed:

"Yeah! The laptops were all inside the rec hall when you guys went out to look for icha dude, but look! An update!"

Jiraiya pumped his fists as a skeptical Pein examined the new update (with a red face) and checked the time.

"I would've believed...that this was one of your attempts to free the sennin from his wrong doings, but...well, come to think of it, there's no reason for you to defend him."

"That's weird."

"You sure it's not him..?"

"Oi...hello?... aren't we missing something?"

Shikamaru, with both his eyes swollen shut, pointed an accusing finger at...Konohamaru. The sandaime flinched at the mention of his grandson, and fixed his eyes on the apple of his eyes. Everyone followed suit. Anko blinked down at the sweet looking little kid, and frowned.

"...come to think of it. Sweetie? Why do you have a laptop?"

Konohamaru blinked, and smiled angelically. There was a bitter silence.

"I...Ehhhh...Ummmm... how are babies made? "

Even Kakashi rolled his eyes at that one.

"Get the kid monster."

* * *

A month had passed from the event that most people dub as the "Fanfic Fiasco." Or the "Mystery Mike Massacre."

For the most part, Konoha had been quiet after this fanfic had been uploaded...

* * *

165. **I'm so so so sorry** by **Mike(aka HaremKonoha)** reviews

Grandpa made me write this in exchange of getting Tsunade baba cut my jewelries off.

Fiction rated: PG –English- Drama/Family –Chapters 1- Words: 150 Reviews: 21

* * *

Eh... I'm so very sorry for having caused this big trouble .

First of all, I'm so sorry Jiraiya Icha man, for almost having your jewelries hacked off. And for having paired you up with Orochimaru when I should have paired you up with someone less feminine. Okay fine, stop hitting me! I mean, masculine. Or whatever.

Second, sorry Tsunade baba, for having you go nuts with the stories I wrote, and for having Konoha being the laughingstock of the Akatsukis. I meant to pair them up too, but imagine pairing up a plant with a fish. Or a gay mask dude with a crazy bomb dude. I mean, it's just too weird. (but just to settle the score, I don't believe that the reputation of the village is as important as my jewelries. OWW ow... I was joking!)

Next, I'm so sorry scary Sasuke nichan, for having you paired up with...here, utilizing Sasuke nichan's words: A senseless idiotic dobe with as much sense and style as a pickled blonde toad, and with no exceptional talent... except being appropriately born with a nine tail beast trapped inside his belly button to buff out his tragic past. (As for Naruto nichan, I'm not so sorry, since you don't really read fanfics that go above 50 words. I highly doubt you'd read this at all.)

I'm also vey sorry Iruka sensei, for not having you on top. (Also, I'm sorry Kakashi sensei for having even paired you at all. So I guess I'll have Iruka sensei on top with Asuma sensei on the botto...ouch. Sorry Kurenai sensei...what about, Ebisu sensei? No? Not your taste?...Fiiine. Tough crowd.)

I'm so very sorry Temari nechan, for having your future fiancee paired up with a coconut eyed long haired masculine future sugar daddy- ( OOWOW WHAT? Can't I put a few jokes in to make this funny?...well why noooot...? FINE)

I'm also sorry Kiba nichan, for pairing up your dog with Shino nichan's flies. I get why you're so upset, but really, it's like a fly harem no? 1000000 flies and 1 dog... just kidding, don't blow a fuse. Oh yeah, also sorry about pairing you up with Shino nichan. (Shino nichan was cool about it though.)

And sorry Choji nisan, for not even pairing you at all. I'll give you a free donut the next time I see you. It's really not because you're unattractive. I just can't imagine how you'd (crush)...stroke your partner and shower them with (saturated fat) love.

Lastly, Gai sensei. Thank you for your enthusiastic response to being paired up with Lee nichan. I sort of doubt you really know what the meaning of "paired up" is but... some good response is better than none I guess.

PS: And I'm so so very sorry for being a way better writer than y'all, not to mention a very young one to boot. You guys suck at writing. Peace.

* * *

Reviews:

DaHokake: Say what? Someone sumarise dis for me

KillBBro: you forgot 'stupid'. I mean stupid. Did I mention it? Stupid.

9livesminus3: So pairing up bug dude and dog boy isn't weird, but Kisame and Zatsu is? You moronic hypocrite.

Troublesome: Get out of wherever you are kid, I'm serious, Temari's punches hurt!

inustyle: Fly...HAREM...?...

HyuugaHizashi: Neji? Is it time you and I had the boyfriend talk?

ISeeThroughClothes: Father... I'm a DUDE! My god.

PinkCutezBlossom: They were really good tho. Just saying.

IceFlowerIno: Girl, I'm with you there.

AnkoDango: Mail us the next chappie sweetheart!

DoubleTchan: Love you mike! More lemon please.

Iruka: Bah, forget the fucking children.

OhSoEvil: Bwrahahahhaha, dead on, you're so dead on kid- crazy bomb dude...PLANT ack, that one's the best

VenusFlyTrap: It's not that funny.

SnakeyEmoMan: SSSSsssscandalous.

ArtisticAtomicBomb: Wha-? Oh I am so pissed. I may be crazy, but I'm art-crazy, and that's totally different. And Zatsu? So not my dream guy.

AngryBlueFish: Riiiight. At least you didn't get paired up with a pot of plant.

Ichamylife: Kid, you might do better writing about heterosexual couples. How about you and I talk about you being the next Icha man?

PersevereX100: I know, I know, I know what paired up means! I looked it up in the dictionary!

Sandbox: So why are you not cursing, if I may ask.

FoodGloriousFood: ...I'm hurt. I need a donut.

* * *

...NOT.

* * *

**(Bloodiedsugs30's words on HTWFF-**

I'm so so very sorry for having my readers wait for so long.

Bear with me)


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